College
by Bread Foster on April 9, 2014

shutterstock_159793295

The college cafeteria. We’ve all been there. We’ve all spent countless hours eating and watching others eat in there. Here are the five girls you’ll always see in your on-campus dining hall.

The Hang Over: Last night she lost her purse, her cell phone, and her left heel but still managed to keep her student I.D. You’re not sure if she’s still drunk or walking like that because she fell in the street. She’s devouring greasy food like an Italian at a Sunday dinner and there is a good chance she is still bleeding from somewhere. Avoid her at all costs because at this moment all she wants is a bed and a shower and if your dorm is closer she’ll sleep in your bed and try to wash off the shame in your shower.

The Sorority Girl: They come in packs and hunt men like raptors. You can hear them ten feet before they actually enter the dining hall and once there they set up a craft table. They’re obnoxiously loud and covered in zebra print, you’ll find yourself wondering why they keep making huge DPhiE letters then realize you really don’t care. Watch out when its hell week because they’ll be making crafts to help keep the frat pledges happy while they get tortured. But none of that even matters because yoga pants. So many yoga pants, it’s like going to a yoga class but you find yourself contorting and exhaling willingly and if your friend asks you to leave you’ll say “Na’ Imma ste”.

The Book Worm: She’s so cute, she’s usually sitting alone and her wrists are covered in more bands than a teenager at Warped Tour. Those Alex and Ani bracelets and oversized sweater actually make your heart swoon every time you think about her. You’ve seen her read Bukowski, Swift, and realized you’re a child when you thought “I’d give her a Dickens”. She’s a mystery that you’ll probably never solve because instead of going to parties she’s writing a paper about why the wife walking on the side was so important in The Black Pearl. You want to talk to her, but deep down you know she’s way too smart for you.

The Athlete: You’re not sure if she owns anything besides sweat pants and her shoulders are a little bit scary. You look at her and know her Instagram is filled with gym selfies and she’s proud she can squat 200lbs. She can out eat you but she still has a feminine charm about her. The calluses on her hands from the weight bar are a little rough but you could get over that. You’ve promised you’ll approach her the day you don’t see her eating 8 chicken breasts and talking with her male friends about getting an inch more on her thighs.

The Freshman: She’s alone, her shoulders are hunched over and she looks like she’s homesick. This is the freshman during the first two weeks of school. She’s pushing the food on her plate around because she’s not used to eating food that makes you have to use the bathroom within the hour. The only reason she came down is because her roommate is a weirdo who listens to The Cure all day. If you go over and sit with her she’s skeptical but appreciative to not be alone. Tread carefully because any freshman, male or female can become a stage 5 clinger. 

Bread Foster is a NYC standup comedian who is homeless. This article was written at The Stand Comedy Club on 20th and 3rd in NYC. Thanks for the Wifi. Follow him on twitter @BreadFoster

[image via ShutterStock]

Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.