Greek life parties are where you substitute having a great night at a bar for having a night with free beer. Most fraternity and sorority parties begin and end the same way. Men go looking to meet girls, and girls go hoping that nothing terrible happens to them. The ending of the night usually ends up with a girl in the bathroom crying about everyone being prettier than her and a guy passes out somewhere annoying because he’s a drunken d-bag. When going to a sorority party, always look for the usual suspects.
The Sorority Sister: This is the easiest to spot. At the beginning of the night she’s making everyone feel welcome and spotting for future sisters, by the end of the night she’s telling brothers from KEK and ZBT her dreams while they fight over her. She’s the Helen Of Troy for frat boys, her yoga pants could destroy entire brotherhoods. The worst part is how likeable she is, she may only date Greek but she sure makes out with anyone.
The Responsible One: She has nicknames like “Coach”, “Mom”, and “Hold My Hair”. She likes making ramen at 2am and making sure all her friends get home okay. She’s the unsung hero, the girl that makes sure her girlfriends stay alive so they can party with you again and you can use brilliant lines like “Hey, didn’t we meet at the DPhiE party last weekend?” Some people consider her a cock block, smart men consider her a gateway. Instead of hating her, hug her, she needs some love too.
The Pledge: This is the best girl at the party. She’s trying to manage her responsibilities while still trying to have a great time. She’ll talk you into helping her bring a new keg in or removing a dude whose creeper status in undeniable. She’s the stripper of the college world, because you see her doing all this work and you just want to save her. She’s usually still awkward from high school, which is endearing to anyone who’s not in their first year of college. Just be careful because she’s new to drinking and can easily turn into the next girl.
White Girl Wasted: There is nothing sexier than a girl with a voice hoarse from screaming all night asking you for a cigarette, besides the idea of screwing a porcupine, or what the unwashed areas of Ke$ha might smell like. For a split second you feel special she’s talking to you until you realize she’s talking to anyone. She’ll be visiting the toilet a few times tonight because her liver is thinking about divorcing her. Avoid this girl like the plague because she’s usually patient 0 for the outbreak of mono.
The Normal Girl: Yes, they exist. She’s at the party for free beer and she’s with her friends who are equally as normal. They like playing beer pong and they like chatting. She’s the type of girl you end up on the roof with talking about life. These are the girls at the party that make them more bearable. If you two hook up, you’re going to call her again because she’s too much fun not to. Be a gentleman and walk her back to her place, then hope she doesn’t want you to be a gentleman anymore.
Sorority parties are either a cattle call for getting hepatitis or one of the weirdest nights of a man’s life. Drinking around this cast of characters gets more entertaining as the night goes on, so screw class and stick around till the party dies. At the end of the night, you’re not walking home alone as long as you have a story to bring with you.
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