College
by Brandon Sullivan on April 23, 2014

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About 97.2% of all college bros in this world choose our school for one reason: the chicks. We all have our own individual strategies to picking up these ladies such as buying them sushi or just stretching the truth. I attend Michigan State with a selfish amount of beautiful women. Every once in a while I like to completely make up who I am. One minute I’m Brandon and the next I’m Roger the Astrophysics major and future NASA intern and, just like that, I’m ten times more interesting. As effective as this might be, however, it is not the key. Are you trying to slay more ass than Samwise Gamgee when he returned to the Shire? I’m here to tell you how.

Every bro has that one girl where they want to get their arm lost in her cleavage till you have to saw it off, 127 hours style, and by arm I mean face. You’ve taken enough L’s, it’s time to take a stand. You want to know how to go from playing tonsil hockey with randoms to doing the horizontal hula with the sorority girl you’ve been poppin’ chubs to at the bar? Well here’s the deal: you need to get a pet. But not just any pet. Unless you’re looking for an 8th grade OTPHJ, leave the kitten bullshit at home. And Puppies are so 2013— get with the times, bro. I’m talking about exotic, I’m talking about the key to her chamber of secrets, I’m talking about a hedgehog.

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At this point you might now ask yourself, ‘What brought me to this page?’ Answer: destiny. It’s time to fulfill that very destiny. Other than what might be in between your legs, chicks dig small, cute things, like hedgehogs. I mean, what’s more cute than a hedgehog? It’s simple. Nothing. Next point. This bundle of love could bring Hulk Hogan himself to tears. A hedgehog will transition you from the 50/50 response after, “Hey want to come back to my place?” to the guaranteed “Thought you’d never ask” following, “Hey want to come see my hedgehog?” Lights out. Once that little ball of love (the hedgehog) hits her hands, panties are going to be dropping faster than your balls in your pre-teens. Her lady garden will reach the Narnia it has spent an eternity searching for.

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Now here’s my advice to you: do not, I repeat, do not help her pick up those panties. A hedgehog packs the divine power to shatter any chastity belt, and damn it, he did his job. Take the love for the hedgehog and make it yours. Break out the magic carpet, Aladdin, and take her for that ride. While you’re going Shaq in the post between the sheets, your guardian angel (your hedgehog) watches over you from its cage in the corner Mission accomplished.

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Like a message from God, you were brought to this page. There are hedgehogs out there awaiting a loving family. Too many hedgehogs are left orphaned. Give a hedgehog the white picket fence it has been longing for. This is your calling. End your dry-spell, save a life, buy a hedgehog.

Do not walk, run… Just like this guy.

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Brandon Sullivan

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