College is a time where your social circle expands faster than a sophomore’s waistline during midterms. You’re meeting all these new strange people so it will take you a while to realize they’re actually unbearable slobs. Sure, they’re great friends now, but post-graduation these people have are unbearable in society, much less your life.
He’s the reason why your room is covered in road signs. He stole a case of coke from the school store so you had mixers at the party and you chug beer out of his road cone. He’s a fun adrenaline rush when you’re 19 but once you hit 22 its gotten boring. After graduation he’s more likely to run a Ponzi scheme or try to get you into sales than ever maintaining a friendship.
The Day Drinker
This is the guy you call at 11am to be out drinking by noon. He quotes Hunter Thompson by 3 and you two cause a scene in public by 4. He’s the perfect companion to a day of skipping classes and being irresponsible. The issue is, once school is done and you’re looking for internships and struggling through 12 hour days, he’ll be drinking SVEDKA on his parents porch yelling “Keep the party going” at the squirrels.
That 3.9 g.p.a really needs to be a 4.0. He comes from a good family and has joined 4 honors societies. You probably got this dude drunk for his first time and he still calls it epic. You’re not the one who’s going to stop hanging out with him, once his salary beats your parents the only time you see him is if you become his secretary.
You can probably look down at your hands and see a scar from a night you spent hanging with this dude. You have an ankle that always cracks or an arthritic finger because someone accidentally took your beer and he wasn’t having it. When school is done this hyper aggressive dirt bag is going to end up a millionaire from selling stocks or in prison for beating a bartender.
The Story Guy
He starts off as your favorite human being. He’s the life of the party and knows a guy who knows a guy who did exactly what you’re talking about. Girls really like him too and he keeps them laughing. The issue is, once you graduate school you get a bullshit meter and this guy sounds that alarm twice an hour. If we really wanted to be 1 upped all the time we’d hang out with our siblings. Oh you once ate so much garlic you smelled like it for a whole month? No amount of garlic could cover the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth.
You only keep this guy around because he’s the easiest target to bust on. You play pranks on him and make fun of him because he says the creepiest things. At parties no one really talks to him and he chills in the corner lurking. Post graduate, you’ll be getting your first apartment, and he’ll be returning to the basement he came from while complaining about his mom. It’s not that you won’t hang out with him again, it’s that you’ll never let anyone know you did.
He let you in when you were questionably aged, and likes giving you a few free rounds when he’s feeling generous. He lets you know whose single at the bar, and if anyone’s been making eyes at you. Local dive bars become a staple of your college experience because cheap booze is good booze. Once you have your degree, you’re moving to a new town, while your bartender stays behind. Its seems sad now, but you’ll realize later why he’s still a bartender in a college town.
The Campus Security Guard
They harass you on campus, they sign you into buildings, mainly they nap. The campus security guard will always be fun to run from, because they can probably only make it a few steps. Every class seems to latch on to one specific guard though, maybe he’s a little too old, or maybe he’s enormous. This person becomes a campus legend for a few years, but when the class moves on so does their celebrity status.
The Sorority Girls
You’ve spent drunken nights passed out in their beds, and they’ve spend nights with you holding their hair. You might have had sex with one of them but you both chalked up up as a mistake, and they make great wingmen. Once you graduate and hit a happy hour with them, it all changes. Hearing them call each other “bitch” in public goes from endearing to enraging, and you find yourself smiling every time one of them gets married off.
Bread Foster is a NYC stand up comedian. His only other talent is eating steak with his bare hands. More can be found on his twitter @BreadFoster
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