College
by Fitz E Fresh on August 14, 2012

 

But finally, you’re free to make your own decisions — sleep with when and where you want, get drunk without having to hide it, and do so many other things that I can’t discuss for legal reasons. There's wind in your sails, and you’re ready to leave the mother ship. But don't think you've mapped your route just yet, young sailor Bro, because you're steering into some seriously uncharted territories. Which, of course, is I come in, your resident voice of reason, retired sorostitute and generally all-knowing female friend.

I don’t give a sh*t how many times you’ve read your orientation package; how much money you(r mom) spent at Bed Bath & Beyond, or how many times you’ve watched “Old School.” Plain and simple; you’re not ready for college.

This isn’t in the index because it’s not in the packets they give you. Be glad I like revisiting the glory days, and take notes.

 

First and foremost, leave all excess baggage at home.

And no, I’m not talking about your monogrammed rolling suitcase (though you should leave that, too). I’m talking about your HIGHSCHOOL girlfriend, you naïve, little teenage f*cker.

There is still time to end it, so do it now. I won’t even be offended if you stop reading here (and finish reading the rest later).

You know who wants to be friends with the guy who skips a night of going out to Skype with his girlfriend? Only another guy staying in to Skype his girlfriend.

Don’t be that guy.

I’m sure your friends tell you she’s a babe and your mom tells you to “hold onto her” because “she’s a good girl”; but as much of a babe as she may be, let that sh*t go. At this point in your life, the imbalance of hormones, exposure and general inexperience is a blatant recipe for disaster and you should avoid it before it begins. Who wants to deal with guilt and lengthy phone calls when you’re hungover in another state? Exactly. And besides, you’re still going to f*ck her on Christmas break anyways.

Sidenote: Even if she is a good girl right now, she’s going to college to become one of the skanks you’ll inevitably hook up with so you should just get it over with.

When you finally realize how much your roommate sucks, don’t be scared to ditch them.

I must have wronged someone as an 18-year old girl, because only God himself could torture me in the manner that living with my freshman year roommate did. To this day, when I tell people that I cohabitated with that wench they either laugh hysterically or vomit a little, and often both.

But just because you sleep in the same room as your “likes things tidy” and “stays up late” roommate, it doesn’t mean you have to pull their (boring, chubby, awkward) weight while you attempt to forge a sustainable social life. Branch out and find your niche; and always check your bed sheets for rodents.

If this bunk’s a’ rockin…turn up the TV.

Whether you despise your roommate or not, you’re inevitably going to end up in the extremely awkward and all-too regular roommate orgy.

Before you start researching college orgies, and forget that you were even reading this, know that it’s not what it sounds like.

One night, you’re going to (finally) score a chick who wants to come back to your room. The tiny room that you share, with another human being. Usually, you won’t give a sh*t and will powerwalk as quickly as possible back to the dorm, stopping only to make out on a car hood, or maybe in front of the dining hall. Sometimes, your roommate may even be having the same luck. Talk about getting to know each other.

Funnily enough, revisiting this is one of the few memories that makes me NOT miss college. Well, that and classes with attendance policies, underage drinking laws and paying sorority dues.

I digress…

What I’m trying to say is that one of these days you’ll be forced to choose between dignity and p*ssy — and we all know which one you’re choosing, you shameless bastard.

Turn on the TV, fans, stereo, computers and anything else that aids in drowning out the noises of you and/or your roommate sloppily f*cking some girl who’s name you can’t remember.

When the awkward mornings of double goodbyes become too much, there’s always empty classrooms.

(Editor’s Note: In case you didn’t know Fitz is a chick, and in case she didn’t know, most guys don’t feel awkward if they just had synchronized sex in the bed next to their roommate. That’s not awkward, that’s bonding.)

Have your cake, but don’t f*cking eat it at the cafeteria.I know for a fact that when you were doing orientation packet review flash cards with your mom you learned where the gym is. So use it.

Ever heard of the freshman 15? This isn’t Bigfoot we’re talking about here guys, IT’S F*CKING REAL.

If you sleep until noon after housing 25 beers then spend your afternoon going for round three at the mess hall, you’re going be overweight before you even black out for the first time, which happens the third day of college.

Make a lot of friends, and not a lot of enemies.
It may sound simple, but it’s actually much more complex than your teen brain can comprehend at its current level of development. Little do you know: you’re on the social chopping block from the minute you step on campus, so tread lightly.

Don’t start a fight, spill a beer, vomit, cry, kiss an upperclassmen’s significant other or do any other stupid sh*t like that until you’ve secured your spot among the frat ranks. One foul move and you’ve prevented yourself from reaching the upper frat echelon; in turn, denying you of your breautastic hopes and dreams.

If you’re genuinely friendly to everyone you meet (read: without handing out your business card or checking them in with you on Facebook) as gay as it sounds, you’ll end up in the right place, during the best four years of your life. If you f*ck it up…don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

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