College
by Lance Pauker on April 8, 2013

This is one of those times. 

I go to the University of Maryland and a kid in my frat sent the
e-mail below over our frat e-mail chain.  Our frat is mostly non-jews, but we
were paired with an all-jewish sorority for Greek Week (a week long competition
w/ parties with that sorority every night).  It went kind of viral around
Maryland and some of the girls were upset.  Thought you could weigh in or whether it was accurate or not. 

 

-Asking if we can weigh in on this is sort of like asking Dwight Howard if he can smile, grimace, and underperform all at the same time. 

-Before the Politcally Correct Priscillas and Sensitive Susies get all hot and bothered, really read this. It is amazing how harmless this is. Abundantly clear the whole thing was done in good fun. For a fraternity, I am astounded that the subject matter is so maturely light-hearted. It's incredible work while not being awful. This is incredibly rare. Good work guys. 

 

Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at
[event thing].  Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here
is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority
girls tonight.  This is funny, but also serious.  Follow my directions and you
will have a way better greek week than you think possible.  We're with these
girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.

 

1. HOMETOWN: If from an allowed hometown you are fine.  If not, lie and say you
are from an allowed area.  Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.

Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry
redacted), Massachusetts, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville

Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at

you redacted), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut  

 

Well done for the most part. Some technicalities, general comments, elaborations:

- With the exception of the Westchester County remnant ad network (Greenwich), Jews are primarily allergic to Connecticut. This is one of the last bastions of keeping us out. We don’t do well with pants that are ironed too well worn by people with long blonde hair. So as long as Connecticut keeps pumping those sorts of people out, the Constitution State should be safe.

- If you’d like to be from the Philly area, it is in your best interest to shout things such as Lower Merion High School, Wynnewood, and Julian Krinsky’s Golf and Tennis camp. Bonus points if you mention that awesome place “Hummus” in Ardmore.

EXTREME Bonus Points if:

-From North Jersey or Westchester County, but “basically” live in the city

-Went to Jericho, Syosset, Roslyn, Plainview-JFK, Great Neck (North or South) a 5 Towns school, or either of the Half Hollow Hills High Schools. Casually throw out the fact that you once went to “LuHi” summer camp (basketball is the best option), and discuss how shocked you were that the place was mostly all Jews. Then use this as a carefully placed metaphor to discuss the trajectory of rest of your life.

- If you fall into the category above you should also know Hoodie Allen personally. Or at the very least, know someone who knows him pretty well.   

-Are from Needham or Newton Massachusetts, and spend a good deal of time making fun of people who have Boston accents because you don’t have one. You, unlike them, “got out.”

Other Places You Can Be From and Important Things to Note:

-Greater Los Angeles Area (must either live in or have an opinion about Beverlywood)

-Bay Area (Berkeley or nicer part of Oakland.) Best here to like more obscure Jewish things, such as Moshe Kasher and drugs related to Israeli rights movements. MUST have a strong opinion about Israel, and MUST be very vocal about your (extremely liberal) political agenda, most of which deals with Israel.

- Boca Raton/Fort Lauderdale Area. Must say things like “Pine Crest,” “Boca Hoops,” and “TooJays.” The climate enables you to complain about shit more than any other race of Jews on the planet, so definitely take advantage of that. Feel free to wear sandals, you can totally get away with it.

-North of Chicago. Winnetka and Evanston, primarily. If encountering a girl from this area, state that you’ve heard ridiculous things about New Trier, and that it was the model high school for Mean Girls. They will then proceed to swoon.

 

2. MUSIC: House is preferable, rap is fine.  90s rock could work, but it would
be better if you stuck to house.  Country is out, as is normal Rock.

 

-Avoid bands that are too obscure, as this may lead them to believe you have too many hipster qualities…Jewish girls are one of the few specimens that love the Bros unequivocally, save for the small portion that strongly dislikes the Jappy stereotype and despises Bros to no end. You should be safe from these specimens however. Despite traditionally being in sororities, they often do not attend events because the only reason they’re in the sorority in the first place is because Freshman year occured before they “truly discovered” themselves–a process that occured somewhere in Italy during Junior Year.

-80’s is always a solid bet. Note that even though you hate top 40, you secretly love it. All Jewish Girls secretly love pop songs until it’s safe enough for them to admit that it’s “grown on them.” A perfect example of this for right now is Bieber and Minaj’s “Beauty and the Beat.”

-For the past several years, Jewish Girls have slowly been infiltrating the festival scene. If you’d like to appear more on the edgier side, have tickets for Coachella. Bonnaroo is too far off the deep end. You are “obviously” going to Gov Ball.

 

3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP:  Make up a camp you went to.  Say it was in upstate
PA, NY, or Maine.  Say it starts with “Timber” or ends in “Lake”.  You could
also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name.  For example,
Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata.

Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15
in order to play high school sports.  You liked it a lot.  You still talk to
your camp friends when you can.

 

-Also not a bad idea to mention a teen tour.

-If from the East Coast, note that you recently had a reunion with your Camp Friends at an all you can eat sushi/sake bomb place in either Murray Hill or the East Village. They didn’t card. You all slept at an apartment owned by someone in the group’s relative, who is for some reason never there and basically leaves the apartment open for a 20 year-old to use as he pleases. 

-Your Korean friend joined you for that dinner, because at this point he's basically Jewish. 

-Someone who went to your camp should be mildly famous by now. Discuss how well you knew them. Even better if you could talk at length about some weird problem they had, i.e., homesickness.

-If the situation demands you be especially Jewish, play the “Camp Ramah” card. However, it is imperative you do your research here–you will be interrogated about the ins and outs of the whole experience

-Be very adamant about the fact that Wet Hot American Summer might be your favorite movie ever.

 

4. ARE YOU JEWISH?

If you are Jewish, say yes.  If you look somewhat Jewish but aren't (redacted,
redacted, redacted) just say you are.  If you are not Jewish and don't look Jewish
(redacted) then say:

a. No I'm half-jewish but didn't get bar mitzvahed of anything.  My dad is
jewish.

b. No, but I'm from a really jewish area

 

If You Are Jewish:

-You know what to do. 

Non Jewish:

-You are “basically” Jewish if you take into account amount of bar and bat mitzvahs you’ve been to

-Talk about the fact that your “Jewish IQ” is scarily high. Prove your point by saying Purim is like Halloween, and that you got shit-hammered with your friend Fink. Emphasize that Mordechai seemed like a cool dude. 

-Have a really strong opinion/sense of ownership regarding the bagel place you go to.

 

5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION

-How terrible it was that you couldn't eat bread during Passover (note: this is
a week long holiday) last week

-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)

-How excited you are for greek week

-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)

-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you
are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone

-How it's funny that most people think our frat isn't jewish, when we are in
fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area.  In fact, both
roommates in your triple are from Long Island!

 

Other great topics of conversation and related behaviors:

-If you have been doing this right, you will inevitably have a lot of extremely strange connections that are  seemingly coincidental and/or “funny” and/or “nuts.” Act like this is no big deal. For Jews, playing the mutual friend game is more commonplace than it is for Jewish males to have an Adam Sandler poster in their childhood bedroom.  

-Your semi-slacker high school friend that goes to Tulane, whom you visited for Mardi Gras. She likely went as well, so have an opinion about (a. Mardi Gras, but more importantly (b. The Boot

-The amount of friends you have that currently go to Cornell, Syracuse, and likely any of the “Sushi 12” schools. Always good to work in a solid Betches reference as well. Particularly topical now that their book is blowing up. 

-How you never go to temple, despite your parents having a short-lived “we’re suddenly really Jewish” phase the year prior to your bar-mitzvah

-Tasti D-Lite. Be warned that when you broach this subject, there is a good chance she will strongly emphasize the word obsessed.

- Shoshanna from Girls, and how much you could identify with/sort of respect Ray. It’s good to disagree with her opinion regarding Shoshanna–this will enable you to have an astute observation about a culturally relevant matter, and will therefore prove that you will provide her with intellectual stimulation.

 

6. MAJOR

-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major

-You want to “do something with business, maybe finance” or start your own
business

-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to
be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)

-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school

 

Nailed it. Just to be safe, power rankings of Male Jew Careers:

1. Finance (Banking)
1a. Hollywood Agent*
2. Lawyer
3. Doctor
4. Finance (consulting)
5. Entertainment (writing/comedy/producing)**
6. Accounting***
7. Political Consultant/Advisor
8. Bryan Greenberg’s Character in How to Make it In America
9. College Professor/Activist/Professional Liberal
10. Things related to sports franchises not involving playing the actual sport

*Harder to find, and most likely to end in divorce.
**MOST desirable when in their 30’s and extremely successful. Very undesirable in their 20’s due to financial instability and neurosis. Most desirable AT age 30, as a full head of hair will only last so long.
***More of our parents' generation, but still pretty huge.

 

7. WHAT TO WEAR

-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants

-V necks are ideal

-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel.  Solid colors are a better bet

-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great

-If you wear a cross on your neck, don't wear it

-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked

 

Just about covered it here. Realize that a large majority of Jewish males are notorious for having zero fashion sense, so you can get away with most things. Avoid earrings, large tattoos, and dress socks that go too perfectly with dress shoes–should be slightly disheveled at all times, and possibly sweating.

Please proceed to the next page to read the full email, uninterrupted. Let's hope these guys have/had a great Greek Week. 

For occasional forays into today's Jewish youth, feel free to schlep on over to my twitter account

UPDATE: READ THE SORORITY'S RESPONSE

sushi pic via shutterstock

{pagebreak}

Hello Everyone,


Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at
[redacted].  Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here
is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority
girls tonight.  This is funny, but also serious.  Follow my directions and you
will have a way better greek week than you think possible.  We're with these
girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.

 

1. HOMETOWN: If from an allowed hometown you are fine.  If not, lie and say you
are from an allowed area.  Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.

Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry
redacted), Massachussets, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville

Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at
you redacted), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut

 

2. MUSIC: House is preferable, rap is fine.  90s rock could work, but it would
be better if you stuck to house.  Country is out, as is normal Rock.

 

3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP:  Make up a camp you went to.  Say it was in upstate
PA, NY, or Maine.  Say it starts with “Timber” or ends in “Lake”.  You could
also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name.  For example,
Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata.

Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15
in order to play high school sports.  You liked it a lot.  You still talk to
your camp friends when you can.

4. ARE YOU JEWISH?

If you are Jewish, say yes.  If you look somewhat Jewish but aren't (redacted, redacted, redacted) just say you are.  If you are not Jewish and don't look Jewish
(redacted) then say:

a. No I'm half-jewish but didn't get bar mitzvahed of anything.  My dad is
jewish.

b. No, but I'm from a really jewish area

 

5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION

-How terrible it was that you couldn't eat bread during Passover (note: this is
a week long holiday) last week

-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)

-How excited you are for greek week

-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)

-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you
are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone

-How it's funny that most people think our frat isn't jewish, when we are in
fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area.  In fact, both
roommates in your triple are from Long Island!

 

6. MAJOR

-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major

-You want to “do something with business, maybe finance” or start your own
business

-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to
be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)

-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school

 

7. WHAT TO WEAR

-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants

-V necks are ideal

-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel.  Solid colors are a better bet

-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great

-If you wear a cross on your neck, don't wear it

-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked