College
by Isaac Himmelman on October 3, 2013

Gandhi said that. And I think it’s pretty clear from his quote that Gandhi believed college to be a place where a young bro like yourself could roam about pride rock with ease, or spread his little baby eagle wings as far as they could reach. Whether this means learning new things (“Hey! The Israeli-Palestinian conflict sounds un-chill!”) or trying out new strains of your favorite drug (“Dragonfly Purple OG Latina Fire Pickachu Kush! Awesome!”), college is a time of exploration and adventure.

Now there are a lot of things that could be potential impediments to you having tons of well-earned fun this semester. But nothing casts a larger shadow over the lightness of college fun than a girlfriend. The college girlfriend is an albatross. The college girlfriend is forty years in the desert. The college girlfriend is the great wall that divides a once-proud city, leaving you stranded in the sad gray commie east, while over on the western side there’s rock and roll and parties and freedom and everyone’s snorting angel dust. Granted, there are going to be a lot of dudes out there who enter college and immediately shack up with some Jennifer who domesticates the shit out of him, then forces the dude to spend the rest of his college career in a state of sad dull stalemated monogamy.

Now look, chances are you’re going to meet a Jennifer, and one night, after an hour or two of love making (though on second thought, let’s not call it that), she is going to lean over and whisper some sad piece of melodrama she heard once watching a TV program about college kids, and it’ll sound like, “What are we?” And that’s her way of demanding that you, the man, create a definition for something that, up until this point, was just good amorphous fun. What do you do? You don't strap on a pair of shackles, or ask her to clip your little wings before you, a newly-formed butterfly, has even had a chance to test drive those babies. No. Better you find a way to lift yourself above the need for definitions. Better you shake off the dust, unfurl your little butterfly wings, and reclaim the freedom and crown that is rightfully yours. Because dude, you’re not just a butterfly. You’re a monarch butterfly, and that means you’re a king. With that in mind, your highness, here are: 9 Good Excuses To Never Get Into A Relationship In College.

1. “I Have To Focus On My School Work”

This would be better if it weren’t such laughable bullshit. You? Schoolwork? Dear God. Let’s be honest, you haven’t had this much free time in your entire life.

But at the same time, this isn’t technically false. You do have to focus on schoolwork. Schoolwork is why you’re here. Are you going to focus on schoolwork? I mean, only to the degree that school work doesn’t get in the way of your extra-curricular activities (i.e. drinking, drugging, self-exploration etc.) In the meantime, this is a fine excuse. Give it a try.

2. “I Need To Concentrate On My Training”

This works best if you’re an actual student-athlete. If you aren’t (and you probably aren’t), that’s fine. It’s still a good excuse. Just make sure you never specify what it is you're training for. Could be you’re training for a sport like volleyball. Could be you're training to be a jousting knight, or a boy-wizard. Doesn’t matter. Keep her guessing.

3. “I Need Some ‘Me’ Time Right Now”

You know, so I can, like, hook up with as many as chicks as I can before all this is over, and I’m jobless, in debt, and living with my folks.

4. “I Like You Too Much To Be Your Boyfriend”

Alright, sure, this one’s a real stretch. But, that being said, definitely worth a shot.

5. “I Took A Gender Studies Class and Now I Don’t Believe In Monogamy”

This one’s good because it casts you as the victim of an evil liberal (read: Jewish) conspiracy to ruin the traditional American family. You wanted a girlfriend, but now you realize that “girlfriend” is really just some patriarchal gobbly-goop!

6. “I’m Going To Enlist In The Military Eventually And I Don’t Want You Waiting For Me To Come Home.”

This one’s desperate. Proceed with caution here.

7. “I’m Too Damaged To Love.”

The upside to this one is, no one is going to question it. The downside to this one is, it makes you look like a brooding pussy.

8. “I’m Not Over My Ex”

This one’s a classic. It’s like the Citizen Kane of excuses-why-I-can’t-be your boyfriend. It works well because it implies that you’re not completely lacking the ability to love. The girl will think, this guy can’t be a cold heartless womanizer if he has an ex somewhere in where-ever-the-fuck who he still loves so much that he can’t completely commit to me.

This one works better if you actually have an ex.

9. “I’m Hooking Up With Like Five Other Girls Right Now And I’d Hate To Jeopardize That.”

Truth hurts. Make that three.

Alright, that’s all I got. If you can think of others, feel free to post ‘em. Would love to read some other good ones. Other then that, go hard, be safe etc.

Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. Find an archive of his articles here and follow him on Twitter @isaachimmelman