College
by Brian Killen on September 4, 2013

We have all been there, we have all fucked up and received the interrogating phone call from our parent’s asking why we have yet to answer one of their phone calls – let alone why we never call them back. If you’re a freshman in college you will soon realize how often this happens. You see, once you leave for college the only thing connecting you to the people that accidentally made you (your parent’s) is your phone, so know that that little device they never knew how to use just turned into their main priority. Hell, your parent’s could even be like mine and actually happy to not hear from me but would still end up asking what the fuck I’ve been up to every once in a while.

They want to make sure you’re having a fun college experience but not wasting their hard-earned money by putting your studies after drinking and taking some freshman broads to pound town.  Even though this is all going to happen anyway, you will be singing your parent’s a different song to give their minds some ease. So when the time comes to start giving them answers (it’s always good to start the sentence off with “I’m sorry”) here’s what you will be telling them vs. what’s really going down:

“Sorry, I was sleeping.”
Missed Call: Friday 10pm
You were attending your first house party of the year. They decided to call you this late because they thought they would catch you in between orientation and the time you went to bed. Little do they know that you’re going to ignore your Saturday morning orientation schedule and celebrate your first Friday night in college binge drinking and having unprotected sex.

“Sorry, I was eating dinner.”
Missed Call: Saturday 7pm
You’ve been already pre-gamming for hours with a cool group of bros that are on your level. In order to not be, “the guy that had to leave the pre-game to talk to his parents” you had no other option but to ignore this phone call. Conveniently they called right around dinner time which is the perfect excuse and little do they know but all college kids don’t eat dinner at dinner time. In fact they eat dinner during the day, the next day, when they wake up hung over right around 1pm. Breakfast is eaten at 4-6am the same night you were partying.

“Sorry, I was doing laundry.”
Missed Call: Sunday 2pm (mom)
Sunday, what a perfect day to do your first load of laundry and not drink beers and watch football with your new roommates. I know- this is how parent’s think. You did not answer their call because you were doing the exact opposite. Drinking on football Sunday in college is like a girl putting in a tampon when she has her period – it’s just going to happen naturally with no hesitation. Little does mom know that you’re not going to walk into the laundry room about a month from when you first got to college. Smelling shirts is vital to make sure you’re wearing clean clothes. Over packing has never been so easy. 

“Sorry, I was at the gym.”
Missed Call: Sunday 6pm (mom, again)
You passed out because your team killed it for better or for worse. Either way you were drinking yourself into oblivion in support of football Sunday. What better excuse than to tell your mother that the reason you missed her call was because watching football motivated you to check out the new gym and go for a run.

“Sorry, I was at the library”
Missed Call: Monday 8pm
Fortunately, you have taken the time to study what frats your school has to offer and are starting the pledging process. This is just the beginning for a long line of excuses to tell your parents and lucky for you pledge night just happened to land on Monday night football which makes yet another equation with alcohol involved. Wearing a Greek lettered t-shirt is definitely not something to be ashamed to wear in front of your parents when you get home but for the time being you should probably keep that shit on the down low, the library is always a great go-to excuse for just about anything you do in college.

“Sorry, I was in class.”
Missed Call: Tuesday 11am
It’s 50/50 that you went to class today. If you did decide to go to class it’s 50/50 that you are either severely hung over or better, still drunk. So that makes this excuse 50/50 in the first place because going to class just enough times before you absent out is something almost every college Freshman will learn to perfect. Don’t feel too bad when telling you’re parents this because you’re only 50% lying to them.

“Sorry, I was studying.”
Missed Call: Wednesday 5pm
This is not necessarily 100% false. These days sexual intercourse in college is pretty much its own elective course – just without the credits. Chances are you will be having sex with a girl you met from your first night at college (they call it hump day for a reason). You invited her over on the first rainy day to watch a movie even though you both know you have entered the “causally banging” stage of your new fling. There are two upsides to this: One, there are no other stages to a relationship like this so you will continue to keep your options open for other girls. Two, you have an excuse to not talk to your parents, again.

“Sorry, I was out.”
Missed Call: Thursday 9pm
It’s always good to mix things up. They’re your parents, they’re not dumb so telling them the truth every once in a while might make all of these other excuses sound more believable.

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