When we're inebriated, we're disgusting creatures. We lack a healthy conscience. If you don’t wake up on a Saturday morning thinking, “Shit, I went to that place last night and absolutely fucked my cholesterol levels for decades to come,” then you failed to invest in the best drunk food your lack of money could buy.
I had a calzone stuffed with meat sauce, onions, cheese whiz, and bratwurst last week. I still loathe myself for it.
Here are all the regrettable places you wouldn’t be caught dead buying food at before midnight:
The Cheap Chinese Place with Absurd Portions
There are a few of these “restaurants” that pretty much give you a Styrofoam container and let you stuff it with as much chow mein and orange chicken as your drunken heart desires. They're amazing, but the grease and general lack of anything nutritious will leave you with a ripping hangover.
One time my friend filled it with just crab rangoons. He still calls it the worst thing he’s ever done to his digestive system.
The Nearby Convenience Store with the Cheapest Food Imaginable
We’re all guilty of going here and some of us will go to the ends of the Earth to deny ever stepping foot in here. These are the ultimate last resorts that serve the fried mini tacos, cardboard pizza, and funky chicken fingers we think cost five cents a piece to make. Self-deprecation comes free with every meal along with a big ol’ side of constipation and general queasiness. Don’t go here. Just go home instead.
The By-the-Slice Pizza Shop
These are usually the most packed joints for a good reason: you get more bang for your buck. The pizza is halfway-decent, the slices are pretty big, and most importantly, there are usually more than one of these places in or around your downtown area. When we can’t muster up enough mental capacity to postgame, most of the bar crowd heads here for some late night indulgence. Many picturesque morning-after stories begin here when the characters are at the pinnacle of their drunkenness.
The Bagel Place
And many of those great tales from the night before are told here over a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich and a luscious cup of H2O. We crawl here still drunk at about 11:30 a.m. to waste more money on food and put the pieces of our psyches back together. Nothing like a family breakfast with your roommates.
The Slapped-Together Sandwich Shop
I’m particularly talking about Jimmy John’s because I’ve never visited a college town that didn’t have one. They're definitely justifiable to order drunk, but not quite satisfying enough to visit during the day. You know, the middle ground. But nowhere near as bad as this God forsaken place here…
The Super Friendly and High-Quality Campus Diner
... That was sarcasm. Most of our campus diners have the least friendly employees on the planet, and they're either forced to be there on work release or they're just straight weird. The food is adequately horrifying. I once went to my diner’s lobster feast. I still cringe just thinking about it.