Craft and Imported Beer
Beers such as Heineken, Blue Moon, Stella Artois, and Guinness are on the opposite end of the beer spectrum from their domestic light beer counterparts. If you are a college undergrad whose go-to drink is a foreign beer with a name that isn’t pronounced the same way it’s spelled, then chances are, you’re a boring individual. If these types of beers are your drinks of choice, you want people to think that you’re extremely classy and cultured, and you look down upon those who binge drink. You consume your alcohol in a manner identical to that of a 40-year-old man; you go out, drink no more than three beers, give your regards to the host, and go home to catch a full eight hours of sleep.
Malt liquor, most notably in the form of either Hurricane, Steel Reserve, and Colt 45, is for those who want to get fucked up for a price under five dollars. Your concept of a good night is sitting around in your room (which is likely a pig sty), drinking forties, and listening to Gucci Mane and Juicy J. There’s also a good chance that you take the “mouthwash – sometimes; deodorant – always; shower – never” approach to getting ready for a night out.
If you’re a malt liquor enthusiast, you’re probably also a fan of bum wine and Four Loko. Neither of which is good, but will get you drunk for a price that would be considered reasonable in this economy.
Whiskey drinkers fall into one of two categories. If you fall into the first category, you love to rage and are probably one of the more wild members in within your group of friends. Once you start drinking, there’s nothing that can stop you on your path to destruction, and you don’t give a rat’s ass about the potential consequences of your actions. You’re also likely a bit of an asshole, but a refined asshole, at that.
If you fall into the second category, though, you’re mature and project Don Draper-like masculinity. You’re the boss and everyone knows it. Need a chaser? What’s that? You’ve been drinking so long, you don’t need one.
You’re also likely a bit of an asshole, but a refined asshole, at that.
Wine drinkers, like whiskey drinkers, fall into two categories. If you fall into category No. 1, you view yourself as a classy person with “refined taste.” When you think of your ideal night, you envision yourself schmoozing your girlfriend and watching a movie, topped off with a nice bottle of red.
If you fall into category No. 2, however, you likely drink Franzia out of a box. You’re the type of guy that wants to make freshmen girls feel special by having them slap the bag. You may also pour it into a solo cup for them. Whatever makes them feel classier. Your goal in all of this is to get laid.
If you’re drinking a Rum & Coke, Jack & Coke, Vodka Cranberry (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or any other mixed drink and consider it your drink of choice, you’re out to have a good time. You’re likely one of the more sociable members of your friend group. You play every drinking game, sing along [and dance] to every song, and talk to everyone you see at the party. Your main objective for the night is to bring a solid 10 (a six will do, depending on intake level) back to your place.
Other Ridiculous Mixed Drinks At The Bar
You are a try-hard. You order drinks that no one ever orders, with odd names such as “liquid cocaine” in order to send out a vibe that you’re cool. You love to buy people drinks with your parent’s money to give off the impression that you are wealthy. There’s also a high chance that you fall into the “clearly underage” category of bar attendees that upper-classmen hate. In between rounds you can be heard shouting obnoxiously for someone to play “Piano Man” or “Don’t Stop Believing.” You should probably do a little less.
I want more like this!
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