Your first year of college is a scary time…for your parents. You’re out having the time of your life if you live on campus. You’re out narrowly avoiding your RA catching you for drinking, while they’re sitting at home drinking. Being someone’s parent takes up a lot of time, now that you’re gone they have nothing to fill it with. This is why the parent’s first visit is so important, if they see you’re doing well enough on your own, you wont have to call them as often. There are some simple rules to making sure they don’t start to think you’re some inept kid who’ll never make it alive.
Do: Leave out a pair of handcuffs out. Your dad will high five you and your mom will be too horrified to notice you left your bong out.
Don’t: Leave your bong out.
Do: Put something else in your fridge besides alcohol, energy drinks and Sirrachia sauce. Parents always check fridges to make sure that you’re eating.
Don’t: Tell them you’re going out to parties to try and get laid.
Do: Tell them you’ve met a cute girl, but she’s a vegetarian, it’ll give them something easy to worry about. Parents like to worry.
Don’t: Clean your bed sheets.
Do: Clean everything else, it makes parents feel like they’re still needed so they’ll look at the bed and not at the bathroom.
Don’t: Leave your bong out.
Do: Offer to take them out to dinner; it makes them feel like you’re doing okay.
Don’t: Actually take them out to dinner, unless it’s Chipotle, you need that money for 30 packs.
Do: Ask them to bring your pet for the day. Not only do you get to see your pet, they now have to spend more time walking around campus and not in your room.
Don’t: Forget to buy toilet paper.
Do: Light a scented candle to cover up the kitchen sink smell.
Don’t: Let your girl friend or the girl you’re hanging out with meet your parents. Save that shit for adulthood.
If you follow these rules your parents will be driving home thinking about how you’re dating a vegetarian, sleep in a gross bed and need more money for food. They won’t be worried about the fact you’re drunk 5 nights a week and experimented with a goth chick.
Bread Foster is a NYC stand up comedian whose dog tried to bite someone, so his parents never saw he left his bong out. Twitter: @BreadFoster