It’s Friday night. You’re at your perfect level of drunk at a party, not-so innocently chatting with a random group of chicks when the defining moment of whether or not the night ends in complete disaster walks in.
His name is Frilly Billington (names were poorly changed in a half-assed attempt to protect the not-very-innocent), and he is the “Fratty Tryhard” of the group. During the day Frilly is fine, sorta. Yeah he’s still an annoying prick, but it’s tolerable enough where everyone can put up with it and only questions why the hell he ever got a bid maybe once or twice. But drunk? If you had to pick one kid that could singlehandedly burn down half of campus while screaming “FUCK CARGO SHORTS” even though he’s wearing them and then somehow get his dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap, that’s Frilly. Every group has one, but for some unfathomable reason each and every Frilly of your group has no idea he’s “that guy."
This piece is dedicated to all the Frilly out there, and hopefully opens their eyes to the fact that the reason no one ever hits them up to hang out is because no one likes spending their night babysitting a drooling ass that decided snorting half an 8-ball of coke by themselves to pregame was a good idea.
1. Someone has had to send a search party to find you
Okay, just the fact that someone felt the need to send a search party for you is a red flag. People pop in and out of house parties all the time! Who cares, right? Wrong. If you’re a big enough liability that when someone notices you’re missing and takes time out of their night to get a group to go look for you, then you’re definitely that asshole who has the potential to get arrested for running around in public screaming about “Stupid bitches that can’t handle my goddamn elephant cock”. This isn’t fucking “Jurassic Park”, if you leave no one should be worried that you’ll end up getting tasered or shot or fucking EATEN (...depending on where you go to school) just because you left the damn party. Or worse, that you storm into some sorority house and start labeling each girl to their face as a 0 or a 1. At that point people would probably prefer that you were eaten.
2. You openly start fights for NO REASON
There’s something to be said for people that don’t spit bullshit and are very direct with others. However, as with everything in life, there is obviously a line as to what’s acceptable and what isn’t. If you think that going up to some kid at a rush party and saying “Yo I bet those cargo pockets are great for carrying your Magic the Gathering cards, idiot” when the poor kid’s a fucking freshman and has said ZERO words to you all night and you’re just trying to start a fight and assert the dominance that you clearly don’t have, you’re obviously a chunky pile of pussy juice. Nothing screams “sad little virgin” like the guy who can’t have a coherent conversation that doesn’t involve the phrase “ha GAYY” thrown in every couple minutes, or can’t go a whole 10 minutes without calling someone else “bro” minus any intent of sarcasm whatsoever. This also includes being a racist for no reason whatsoever except for getting the attention your mother never gave you.
3. Breaking shit doesn’t make you manly
You know that scene in “Office Space” where the three main guys go apeshit on that copier/printer/fax/whateverthefuck? That’s cool as shit. Not because they’re beating the balls off of some office equipment, but because they’re basically throwing up the middle finger as a big “FUCK YOU” to the whole office-drone culture. You know that time you decided that punching your fist through a kitchen cabinet would be super-sick-bro and that splinters are manly? That’s not cool as shit, it’s just fucking destructive without a purpose. In your drunk haze you might be thinking that everyone’s staring at you because they’ve just seen the second coming of Bruce Lee, but in reality they’re trying to come up with some escape plan so that they don’t get projectile vomited on by the coked up toddler in front of them.
4. You openly grope people
I’m not just talking about some casual accidental titty touchin’, I’m talking about you physically grabbing anyone within arm’s reach for no apparent reason. This includes men. I’m not sure if this is news, but unless a group of guys have just made it through Saving Private Ryan, I can’t think of a single reason two guys might hug each other. Maybe if one of them asked for a hug or something, but forreal that’s not gonna happen, let’s not kid ourselves. If that happens I’m pretty sure you can just punch him in the face instead as an acceptable alternative. But seriously, who likes being touched by drunk people? Especially when you’re casually talking to a girl and fuckin’ Frilly walks up behind you and drapes his arm across your shoulders as he starts slurring some embarrassingly phrased compliment as a question along the lines of “Your breasts….are….not lumpy?” as a line of drool falls from the corner of his mouth. Frilly, you sir stand to benefit from a refresher course in a 3rd grade “Personal bubble” speech.
5. Calm the Fuck Down, it's Just Beer Pong
This goes for any drinking game. Getting competitive and trying to win is one thing, but flipping the table over or screaming at the other team about how their grandmother sucks dicks in hell is another. The whole point of drinking games is to get hammered and have fun, not to put your sassy boy pants on and throw a tantrum about how "Omg if that'd gone in we would've won this is bullshit". Duh stupid, if EVERY ball had gone in you would've won. What does saying that even really mean aside from the fact that you're a sore loser and don't have a basic grasp of English reading comprehension? Go sit your ass down on the bench and watch how the real pros do it.
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