College
by Lance Pauker on September 26, 2012

Even so, there's no denying that people get quite pumped the f*ck up about LEAVES, and that we can finally wear sweatshirts in genuine fashion. (For these past few weeks, our sweatshirt wearing was a bit too forced, more a product of “yo girl, because I have this dope sweatshirt, you clearly want my D.” than of actual practicality.) Thankfully with the weather a-turning, we now don't have to try as hard not to make it look like we don't give a f*ck. 

Behold, autumn at every college. Not the most wonderful time perahps, but certainly wonderful in its own right:

1. The “Friendly” Window Has Passed

At every college campus, there exists a time frame where people actually don’t look away when they see someone they sort of know walking on the opposite side of the street. This is of course uncharacteristic for a generation whose social interactions are largely based on the concept of “I don’t talk to people…people talk to me,” and is thus not a sustainable yearlong model.

Thankfully, the fall brings with it the collegiate phase where “everybody should be settling in,” freeing students from feeling like they need to embody some sort of welcoming, fun-loving spirit necessary for proving their school’s worth to incoming Freshman and/or themselves. Those welcoming weeks are certainly a drag at times, so it’s always a relief to revert back to acceptable callousness.

2. The Magic of Pumpkin Spice

If you’re a guy looking to get some, simply walk up to any yoga pants wearing girl, look down at your phone to demonstrate that you’re somewhat of a douchebag, and utter the words “Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Within the hour, you’ll be pulling your jeans back up in victory.

3. The Sore Throat Has Settled In

One of the realities of going to college is you will be perpetually sick for four straight years. But after spending the summer living in a place where people actually vacuum, the sore throat may decide to take a temporarily leave of absence.

If this brings you deep concern, worry not. After a month’s worth of binging, against-the-wall hookups, and sweeping up Goldfish on a floor that should be banned from the five second rule, your congestion will be back in no time.

4. You Still Sort of Believe You’re Going to Do That Cool Side Project

Every fall, you and your roommates will pound down some Jack and discuss how you’re going to wow the school with your dope as f*ck viral videos. You will especially discuss how this time, you’re actually gonna do it. Like, really.

5. Spring Break Email Chains

Will consist of 15-20 people, and will mostly serve as in-class procrastination material that has nothing to do with Spring Break. The one serious member, likely the initiator and captain's-badge wearer, may go as far to assign people roles for sh*t to research. While said assignments will be peppered with motivational banter that gives off the impression of “why be productive when you could be cool, usless sh*thead?”, the organizer of the group will grow increasingly frustrated, to the point where he swears off ever trusting anyone ever again. All in all, very similar to every group project that has ever existed.

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6. Sorority Seasoning

Because Fall is yet another excuse for girls to make guys interact with them in a non-party, non-hookup setting, many a sorority will construct events centered around seasonal centerpieces. These include the traditional pumpkin and apple pickings, Halloween costume contests, and weird market fairs that are only legitimized by featuring a scarecrow.

Because this is college we’re talking about, these events will thankfully transcend an otherwise dreaded PG rating. Last year for instance, I partook in a “Hayride” put together by a sorority. The event consisted of wearing as much flannel as possible, consuming the usually excessive amount of beverages and the like, riding on a bus to the middle of nowhere (planting seed time), all of which led up to spending a few hours on a farm where some dude named Farmer Chuck took us around a scary piece of land that easily could’ve been from “Signs.”

Essentially, the same old sh*thshow now in the middle of nowhere, complete with new instagrammed profile pics and hookup stories. All made possible by autumn and her foliage.   

7. Brohemian Instagrams 

Within every Frat there consists a Brohemian or two. They'll embody many of the usual fratty qualities, but will also have otherwise alarming interests such as worshipping the band Fun. (now they're all about “The xx”), and independent films whose only message is not really having any message at all. Because many of these dangerously NF specimens often don't really give a f*ck that people may raise their eyebrows at the fact that they sometimes have deep thoughts, they've been popularly dubbed “Brohemians.”

Autumn, incidentally, is a fantastic time for the Brohemian to get unnaturally excited about how dope the nature is. Instagram will never be the same. 

8. Senior Year Girls are PISSED

Remember freshman year, when the dude who was have trouble keeping pace would always complain how all the betches standing in the line for the bathroom were only going for older guys? Four years later that hombre still won’t be tearin’ up the stat sheet, though the tables will certainly be turned.

If a girl hasn’t locked up an older guy with a JOB in THE CITY (who sweeps her off her feet when he visits because $$$ and dinner and WINE), her senior year experience will consist of going to bars and trying as hard as humanly possible to look like the token girl who doesn’t allow herself to have fun. This is all due to her new mantra, known as why bother having fun when true love is dead?

9. Facebook Work One-Upsmanship

Now that the first few weeks are over, you may suddenly look down at your syllabus and oh sh*t, a midterm.

Having not done the readings because you’re a sophomore and thus too cool to do gross Freshman activities like “the readings,” you’ll sh*t yourself for a good hour or two, during which you’ll write a frantic, somewhat embellished Facebook post saying “goodbye fun, hello (insert school library name here).” 

While you’ll hate yourself for writing such exaggerated beast-feeding once the panic mode dies down, it’s simply too late–your contribution to the midterm complaint carousel is now set in stone, more fuel to the Gubraithian fire

10. Reverse Sundress Crisis

In terms of gawking at hot girls, this is far and away the worst time of the year. It’s also pretty terrible for the whipped Bro, who must accompany her grace on a shopping date. Observe:

Betch: Let’s go shopping so I can get a cute fall dress. And even though you’ll tell me that it’s cute, I’ll insist that you don’t really mean it.   

Bro: That really sounds like a win-win situation for me. 

Betch: Exactly. So when you mess up, you can apologize by paying for it!

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