"Fall isn't a season...it's a lifestyle" -- Nobody
Even so, there's no denying that people get quite pumped the f*ck up about LEAVES, and that we can finally wear sweatshirts in genuine fashion. (For these past few weeks, our sweatshirt wearing was a bit too forced, more a product of "yo girl, because I have this dope sweatshirt, you clearly want my D." than of actual practicality.) Thankfully with the weather a-turning, we now don't have to try as hard not to make it look like we don't give a f*ck.
Behold, autumn at every college. Not the most wonderful time perahps, but certainly wonderful in its own right:
1. The "Friendly" Window Has Passed
At every college campus, there exists a time frame where people actually don’t look away when they see someone they sort of know walking on the opposite side of the street. This is of course uncharacteristic for a generation whose social interactions are largely based on the concept of “I don’t talk to people...people talk to me,” and is thus not a sustainable yearlong model.
Thankfully, the fall brings with it the collegiate phase where “everybody should be settling in,” freeing students from feeling like they need to embody some sort of welcoming, fun-loving spirit necessary for proving their school’s worth to incoming Freshman and/or themselves. Those welcoming weeks are certainly a drag at times, so it’s always a relief to revert back to acceptable callousness.
2. The Magic of Pumpkin Spice
If you’re a guy looking to get some, simply walk up to any yoga pants wearing girl, look down at your phone to demonstrate that you’re somewhat of a douchebag, and utter the words “Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Within the hour, you’ll be pulling your jeans back up in victory.
3. The Sore Throat Has Settled In
One of the realities of going to college is you will be perpetually sick for four straight years. But after spending the summer living in a place where people actually vacuum, the sore throat may decide to take a temporarily leave of absence.
If this brings you deep concern, worry not. After a month’s worth of binging, against-the-wall hookups, and sweeping up Goldfish on a floor that should be banned from the five second rule, your congestion will be back in no time.
4. You Still Sort of Believe You’re Going to Do That Cool Side Project
Every fall, you and your roommates will pound down some Jack and discuss how you’re going to wow the school with your dope as f*ck viral videos. You will especially discuss how this time, you’re actually gonna do it. Like, really.
5. Spring Break Email Chains
Will consist of 15-20 people, and will mostly serve as in-class procrastination material that has nothing to do with Spring Break. The one serious member, likely the initiator and captain's-badge wearer, may go as far to assign people roles for sh*t to research. While said assignments will be peppered with motivational banter that gives off the impression of “why be productive when you could be cool, usless sh*thead?”, the organizer of the group will grow increasingly frustrated, to the point where he swears off ever trusting anyone ever again. All in all, very similar to every group project that has ever existed.