College
by Andy Moore on January 24, 2013

Not surprisingly, the Facebook groups are these really awkward online spots where people say stuff they would NEVER say in a face-to-face conversation. Which is why I loved this website, Accepted! 2017, when I discovered it last night. A celebration and a mockery of the weirdness that happens on the official groups, the blog takes comments left there and reposts them after taking away any identifying marks. (No need to shame the kids.)

It's a brilliant idea, and we've showcased 25 of the weirdest things said below. My comments continue to be in italics.

Vanderbilt:

Hey guys, so basically all throughout high school i was “the loser” in my grade, i never had any friends.. I was hoping when i go to Vanderbilt ill have more. Will you guys be my friends?

And we're kicking things off with a bang. I feel for this guy (really), and more than anything, it encapsulates the problems inherent in the Facebook accepted group. You're forging a digital connection that will be TOTALLY set aside on the first day of college, but you think it's real so you say vulnerable crap like this. Our Commodore friend above is just not so great at hiding his/her intentions.

Of course, you can also be like the members who have very different intentions and are highlighted at the end of this post.

Duke:

Does anybody here live in Seoul, Korea?!?!??!? LET’S MEET

This will actually be pretty successful.

Wesleyan University:

1: Is anybody planning on/thinking about studying abroad?
2: Studying abroad in rural Islamist Somalia. First world countries are iron pillars of oppression that enforce hegemony and conformity throughout the world, killing any semblance of a unique culture other than the imperialist, capitalist, and predatory nature of the West.

Dude.

University of Chicago:

I have a conundrum for you fine people. Would you rather defecate a never-ending stream (and I mean never-ending) of lo mein noodles, or defecate a cactus once?

Ask a Bro would be happy to answer this.

Cornell:

Is it bad that I’m on a beautiful beach resort in the Virgin Islands and I’m sitting by the pool looking up Cornell classes?

Be sure to pack that bathing suit for Cornell.

Elon:

RAGE

Hey, we like this guy!

Emerson:

where are the hot chicks?

And this guy!

Tufts:

To all the creative/science pros in here, I’m about to extract DNA from a banana, but I was wondering- does anyone have any idea of what I can do with the DNA post-extraction? Any cool experiment ideas?

I was going to make a joke here, but this 17-year-old is probably way smarter than me… so… I'll just eat the banana at my desk now and think about past decisions.

Johns Hopkins:

Is there a club at Johns Hopkins University dedicated to the My Little Pony fandom? And if not is there a process I can go through to create such a club?

You have to call Andrew W.K. If he whispers the chorus of “Party Hard” into the phone, you have been given permission to create the club. BUT if he sings the first verse, you have to escape the country.

MIT:

Anyone else excited for the new Pokemon XY? Gen VI baby!

Wait, there's a new Pokemon game?

Vanderbilt:

Who else already has a tattoo and piercing list for college? Keep it classy, never trashy, but always just a little nasty. :)

Hang out with the person from the first entry. Please. You guys can be like the odd couple.

Stanford:

Ever wonder what a vegetable thinks about? O.o

“What is wrong with this kid?” – an eggplant

Thanks for that one, Accepted.

Northwestern:

I have a cat for each 26 letters of the alphabet. Whenever one dies we replace it with the same letter. For example last year when Mathew died we got a new cat to replace M and named it Mickey. That way we keep the balance of 26 cats. Its been a family tradition for the last 80 years when my grandma was a little girl in Libya.

Stop. Read that again.

Duke:

Just asked my dad if his wallet was feeling 240000 dollars lighter… he didn’t think it was funny

The most Duke thing ever, ladies and gentlemen!

Brown:

The name is Noah. Filed under: existentialist, musician, happiness maniac. I’m so excited to get to know all of you wonderful people. What makes you happy?

The most Brown thing ever, ladies and gentlemen!

Alright, I've saved the best few for last. Get ready for humblebrags, strange, misplaced pretension, and a lot of Harvard and Yale.

Haverford College:

Hey I don’t know if any of you have midterms this week like me, but if you do good luck! You can come cry with me in this corner if you don’t mind the constant muttering of “why did I take four APs and two honors classes”

Yale:

I’m a big science guy :) a few awards and publications in that area, meeting a couple Nobel Prize winners, up-and-coming scientists and things. I also had the privilege of meeting one of the original Greensboro Four (Joseph McNeil) and co-authored a biography of him that was published by Oxford University.

MIT:

I’m so bored it’s incredible. I literally have an average grade of 97% right now and I’m slacking off. My math teacher got on my case about not paying attention in class and I was like “haha I learned all this stuff the FIRST time you taught it, and I have a 98% so I get to relax a bit”

Harvard:

If there’s anything my acceptance into Harvard has taught me, it’s that I can do anything I put my mind to. I’ve officially blown through 5 seasons of How I Met Your Mother and 3 of The Office in the past 2 weeks alone. Netflix should give me a gold star or something for my focus and stellar work ethic. I’m so ready for college.

Yale:

I suppose I should be serious here, too I’m also, as [student] described it, a jack-of-all-trades, but I guess my strengths lie in music, languages/culture, and physics/math. I play piano and have tricked people into thinking I’m good enough to win a $2000 regional competition, and managed to get into a choir which was then featured on NPR’s From The Top and sang a Vatican Mass with them (where I met James Caviezel! *fangirl sigh*) Math/physics are my forte, where I’m halfway to a math major at the local university. Finally, I’ve travelled an insane amount, and know about 4 languages, 6 if you include Latin and Greek.

Stanford:

Some of my favorite things are bread, books, the idea of coffee (not the taste), the sound of violins, secret agents, random deep conversations, and for some reason right now the word ARTICHOKE. I’m so excited to be a part of all this. You guys are like my dream people.

Harvard:

Has anyone else noticed the aesthetic nature of the word

HARVARD

especially when capitalized? It has an amazing symmetry, a sturdiness, and yet a progressive aspect. I think I like it haha

Harvard:

Thus, a new narrative of opportunity, responsibility, and freedom is born of virtue and fortune. I’m a history buff, so I know that our narrative is not and will not be apart from that of Harvard, nor that of America, nor that of the world.

Our narrative, however, is NEW. Therein lies the exhilaration.

I am rapt in a subtle, lasting, fascinated pleasure. You are why. The change we will make, indeed experience, will, I dare to presume, be as organic as it is ingenious, as shared as it is beautiful. I thank you ahead of time. It is already a joy to be in community with (both plural and singular) you.

Additionally, I hope that a few of you can stand the kind of sophomoric soul that eulogizes an initial facebook encounter. :)

Jesus.

Finally, I just liked here the juxtaposition between Harvard and…

Indiana:

like this post and I will rate you 1-10 lol

Indiana:

im hot, love to party, and am the definition of a good time ;) add me if you’re down

Find more at Accepted! 2017.

[College graduation image via Shutterstock]