As the college year starts up again, it’s time for the most recent class of graduates to increase the rate at which they wistfully look out windows. This, of course, is a method of hopeless reminiscence intended to underscore the soul-crushing realization that “we’re never going back.” Cue the collective pang, heartbreak, and romantic comedy low-point equivalent.
Post-College, as we've found out, isn't all fun and games. But is it as hor-awful as most twitter pundits make it out to be? Let's find out, using this infallibly accurate statsitical breakdown:
College vs. The Real World: A Tale of the Tape
- You got here five minutes ago. Are you having the greatest time of your life yet?
- What about now?
- What about all these random people that you’ll stop saying hi to in three months?
- Are you best friends yet?
- I am having so much fun. Hashtag.
- If your job has “training,” it will likely entail you staying in a swanky hotel for a week, complete with a spending budget and at least one open bar
- If your job (or lack of job) doesn’t have training, you won’t have to endure one of those pointless tolerance sensitivity lectures that take an hour, despite always getting their point across in the first three minutes
Edge: Real World
- Attend a party, make eye contact with a girl, shout a bunch of things that sound like sentences (optional), sloppily make out for ten minutes, retreat back to the lair
- Attend a bar/club, make eye contact with a girl, spend money, have/make up an impressive-sounding job, spend more money, retreat back to the lair (if you have one)
3. Daily Grind
- Hear alarm, shout curses for ten minutes, do adult commuter things, stare at a screen, force laughs at the water cooler, treat lunch like the highlight of the day, get mad when they forget to add the roasted red peppers, begin to realize that you’re getting fat.
- During weekend pregames, accompany any mention of your work-week with deep, prolonged sighs.
- I think I’ll learn my 54th favorite actor’s IMDB history today
- And then I’ll make love to ranch dressing
4. Spending Habits
- I’m broke but I’m having such a good time being broke. I’m so glad I am 23 years old and struggling to make ends meet! It would be the worst if I had money.
- (Finance majors, smirking casually)
- That really rich friend
5. Social Media Pet Peeves
- “4 down, 1 to go, SPRING BREAK BABY”
- As brilliantly tackled in this week’s Ask A Babe, girls who stick out their tongues for no reason
- Girls who passive-aggressively comment on friends’ engagement statuses
- Sonogram Pics
- Really, just any social media activity conducted by a girl who hates that she’s single
6. Hanging Out with Friends You Don’t Actually Like
- Very difficult to actually do, with the exception of your girlfriend’s roommate's boyfriend, who’s opening up his own hotel and/or cologne emporium
- If people suck, there’s really no obligation to hang out with them.
- Half of Freshman year is devoted to this
- Often tough to shake off the “mistake” in your frat, especially if he’s in your pledge class
Edge: Real World
7. White Rapper Potential
- Discuss how class isn’t really satisfying your intellect (make sure to misspell intellect), consistently utter the phrases “kiddd,” “straight fiya,” and “dopeness”
- Wear a hat, wife-beater, and a tattoo that is difficult to take seriously
- Only attempt if your end goal is to be unemployable
FINAL VERDICT: College 4, Real World 2, Ranch Dressing 9,000