Drinking never gets boring, the way you do it does. After the eighth night, a bender can break you as you lay down screaming “Why’s the rum gone?” Eventually nights turn into days and days turn into those shiny things that make you pull your curtains when all you want to do is drink water and sleep. You’re not an alcoholic, there are only a few years of college, you’re drinking on a deadline. Eventually drinking gets so monotonous you’ll throw the contents of one cup into another full cup and see what happens. Sometimes after drinking hits this point you stop, other times you throw a fucking rager of a themed party. Themed parties mean less shame and less clothing. Here are the 7 theme parties you’ll end up going to.
ABC Party- Anything but clothes means anything goes. The best costume for a guy will always be a pizza box, not only is it maximum exposure, you can talk someone into eating the cheese off the top of the box. The people that get the most naked are always the people you never want to see naked. That’s why an ABC party allows for duct tape clothes and sheets to cover that shit up.
Highlighter Party- Let’s get drunk and make everyone glow in a black light like a crime scene! These are essentially thrown to encourage everyone to wear white and touch each other. Highlighter parties are fun because everyone gets drunk and puts hands in places with the excuse of “I’m trying to draw on it.” Any excuse for drunken groping is a good excuse. Count how many dicks you can draw on strangers backs, it never gets old.
Halloween- These are the best parties of the year. These are the best parties of the year. These are the best parties of the year. Never miss a Halloween party, even in post grad life, never miss a Halloween Party. Girls get dressed up, there is nothing better than catching a peek at a Sexy Little Bo Peep. Watching a sloshed Ariel the Mermaid makes you realize that bitch was so thirsty she changed species to get the D. Sexy Bumble Bees can get the fuck out, though
Paint Party- This is basically the highlighter party, only with more nudity and destroyed showers. Highlighter parties are Paint Party version 2. Imagine a color run but everyone’s drunk and painting each other. Don’t be freaked out by the “Polyamourous” couple who’ve turned their dorm into Dexter’s kill room. If you can loosen up and deal with the fact there are going to be some D&D players there, this shit gets nuts. Apologize to your shower in advance, after this party its going to look like a unicorn jerked off in your shower.
Ninja/Pirates- Surprisingly, this becomes one of the best parties in college. What seems like a really nerdy theme quickly turns into people tackling each other over tables and calling everyone wenches. The joy of being a Ninja means complete anonymity and people acting the way they really want to act. The joy of being a pirate means drinking, doing drugs, and constantly making jokes about the best booty. These go from party to “all night shit faced event” in a matter of hours.
Pimps and Hoes- Avoid these at all costs. If you really wanted to bring 4 girls to a party where everyone’s dressed like Tommy Lee in the 90’s, you’d buy some cocaine and make it a private affair. What sounds like a brilliant theme party starts to suck once you realize most the “Pimps” are guys who focused more on their outfits and less on strengthening their pimp hand. The only thing worse than a complete sausage fest, is one where the sausages are wearing stupid hats. Depending on the turn out it goes from “Pimps and Hoes” to “Are those male figure skaters? They’re so colorful”.
Hipsters- This is less a “theme” party and more a “How did I end up here” party. So many boat shoes and everyone is just sharing Vimeo Clips. Try to drink as much craft beer as possible and get out. Either these things become a rager, or the most exciting thing is that someone admits they haven’t liked Ratatat since 2011.
There are so many ways to be an alcoholic and a good themed party is the best of them. These are the seven most common, but it’s up to you, the newer generation to make walks of shame even worse. Try and “under the sea party” where someone dresses as a shark and never stops murdering. Invent a “Super Hero” party where Superman’s real “Kryptonite” was those last 2 shots of whiskey. In fact, turn all the lights off and call it a social experiment. God knows people need to feel each other more.
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