College
by Walt on June 18, 2012

And that is why we should all throw more theme parties.

For Bros like ourselves, this merely requires a few strips of duct tape and some variation of a sheet, trash bag or reconstructed 30-rack. For girls, such an occasion merits an expensive outing to some underground hooker shop whose discreet location has been passed down by word-of-mouth through generations of aspirant c*m dumpsters.

So here are 10 of our favorite theme parties. We highly encourage you to host one next school year/this summer/tomorrow night. Host them all and you might have a couple of miniature, illegitimate ones walking around nine months from now – the panty-moistening effects of these things are not to be underestimated.

Toga

Groundbreaking? Certainly not. Effective? Invariably. Wardrobe malfunctions? Ample. And should you need to crash on a couch, rug, or bathroom floor – sheets provided!

ABC

As in, Anything But Clothes. Just beware: you will have to sacrifice a pinnie and shorts in the morning when she wakes up with that sweet scowl of regret on her face and feels less-than-enthused about trying to put that pile of yellow “Caution” tape back on.

Ugly Sweater

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, I can’t believe our parents used to wear these without irony. Seriously. People used to pay good money for sweaters with caricatures of Dasher cometing Donner’s blitzen embroidered across the chest. Like, not at thrift shops. F*cking ‘90s.

Black Light

Replace every light bulb in the house with an ultraviolet one. Wear white t-shirts. Buy a sh*tload of highlighters. Write/draw increasingly inappropriate things on one another. Pretend not to notice the telltale stains streaked all over every piece of furniture in the house. (My laundry basket?! Really, Land-o, my f*cking laundry basket?!)

Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes

This one’s too easy. You were probably going to wear your top-siders and a polo out anyway. Just throw on your favorite Callaway cap and you’re good to go. Then find the girl who will inevitably show up dressed as “The Hole.” She probably doesn’t know that yet, but you and three of your best bros will. Try to book the first tee time.{pagebreak}

White Trash Wednesday

The Wednesday part just makes for nice alliteration. Plus, it’s a good excuse to get weird on Hump Day. Just be sure not to confuse those hipster kids trying to get in for legitimate attendees of your party. I know the flannel and PBR can be deceiving, but real rednecks don’t wear women’s pants. Or squeal when you pull on their lip-rings.

Beta Beach

At least that’s what some frats call it. It’s winter! It’s cold out! Why not dump two tons of sand in our basement and crank up the thermostat?! Now, I know clean-up duty on this one sounds like a pain in the ass, and it is. But pledges exist for a reason.

Stoplight

Singles wear green; couples wear red; people who want to cheat on their significant others who are away for the weekend wear yellow. Is it pithy and childish? Maybe. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’ll save you two hours you otherwise might have wasted trying to romance and lubricate some doe-eyed subject just to experience that boner-crushing moment when she offhandedly mentions her “boyfriend.”

Tight and Bright

For centuries philosophers have debated one of man’s great questions: is seeing all your boys in neon stretchy pants worth seeing an equal or greater number of delicate young slampieces in neon stretchy pants? I would contest that brain-buster with another: why are you looking at your Bros’ packages with all them lady parts on display? And lose the cucumber; you’re not fooling anybody.

CEOs and Business Hoes

Thanks for that Brooks Brothers suit, Mom and Dad. I know I haven’t been able to win any of the internship interviews I promised yet, but I do have these sweet photos of me doing Jell-o shots off of the slightly fuzzy belly button of some freshman girl who forgot how to button her shirt. Senior year is great! See you on Turkey Day.

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