Some things are true wherever you go. The sun rises in the east, sets in the west. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. And if you give a girl an excuse to dress like a sl*t, she’ll show up at your party. Dressed like a sl*t.
And that is why we should all throw more theme parties.
For Bros like ourselves, this merely requires a few strips of duct tape and some variation of a sheet, trash bag or reconstructed 30-rack. For girls, such an occasion merits an expensive outing to some underground hooker shop whose discreet location has been passed down by word-of-mouth through generations of aspirant c*m dumpsters.
So here are 10 of our favorite theme parties. We highly encourage you to host one next school year/this summer/tomorrow night. Host them all and you might have a couple of miniature, illegitimate ones walking around nine months from now – the panty-moistening effects of these things are not to be underestimated.
Groundbreaking? Certainly not. Effective? Invariably. Wardrobe malfunctions? Ample. And should you need to crash on a couch, rug, or bathroom floor – sheets provided!
As in, Anything But Clothes. Just beware: you will have to sacrifice a pinnie and shorts in the morning when she wakes up with that sweet scowl of regret on her face and feels less-than-enthused about trying to put that pile of yellow “Caution” tape back on.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, I can’t believe our parents used to wear these without irony. Seriously. People used to pay good money for sweaters with caricatures of Dasher cometing Donner’s blitzen embroidered across the chest. Like, not at thrift shops. F*cking ‘90s.
Replace every light bulb in the house with an ultraviolet one. Wear white t-shirts. Buy a sh*tload of highlighters. Write/draw increasingly inappropriate things on one another. Pretend not to notice the telltale stains streaked all over every piece of furniture in the house. (My laundry basket?! Really, Land-o, my f*cking laundry basket?!)
Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes
This one’s too easy. You were probably going to wear your top-siders and a polo out anyway. Just throw on your favorite Callaway cap and you’re good to go. Then find the girl who will inevitably show up dressed as “The Hole.” She probably doesn’t know that yet, but you and three of your best bros will. Try to book the first tee time.