College
by Lance Pauker on January 30, 2013

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Doing What You Love

“Following Your Passion” is what we’ve been raised to do. But what are our passions really? Starting our own business, writing, acting, cooking? In simpler terms, “following your passion” = doing something that’s very difficult to succeed in, while also requiring considerable and prolonged financial support.

By “doing what you love” you're essentially pulling the ultimate financial ploy. Because as long as it appears like you’re making an effort, no parent who truly loves their kid could pull the plug on his or her hopes and dreams without completely questioning their self worth, and/or entire purpose of their existence. At that point, you may as well not have a kid. 

Acquire Different Political Beliefs

I would assume that for a father, the moment your son is old enough to have intelligent discussions is a relatively proud one. The sort of thing that begins to blossom in the latter years of high school, but only fully takes form on your semesterly breaks at home, going in on some topic from your Applied Business and Economic Class. You, finding yourself in a situation where it’s socially advantageous to have insights about theories and things, and proceed to lay it all on the line–suddenly realizing that your political beliefs–the de facto religious bible in some households–are totally different from that of your old man.

To certain fathers, I’ve gotta think that this is the ultimate slap in the face. All those subtle brainwashing attempts for the past 15 fifteen years, completely for naught. 

Too Many Dry Spells

Think about it. As much as your dad may warn you that any hint of getting a girl pregnant will be met with a swift guillotine, he also doesn't want to learn that you, his seed, lacks the ability to get some. Too much failure in this realm will make a father question his own manhood, and will make your mother question how desperate she must’ve been to go out with a guy who clearly does not have the genetic makeup to close. Bad vibes all around.

Inviting Your Mom into Your House

No matter how proud you may be that your pans are no longer lined with permanent egg scraps, or that there are only three articles of clothing on the floor instead of the usual 16, your Mom will react the state of your house like most people react to learning that a loved one has just been in a terrible accident. The much shittier, and exponentially more forlorn version of McKayla Maroney.

(Not only will she be unimpressed. She’ll be devastated)

College Kid Drinking Image via Shuttershock

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Being Too Active On Social Media

Not being accustomed to growing up with readily available pictures of other people’s food, a parent who gains access to your various social media accounts will likely draw two conclusions; one, that their child is somewhat despicable (a realization that first occurs when they see their kid throwing f-bombs around the internet at age eleven, which slowly progresses to the early college years, when grandiose statements about very specific life events become displayed on statuses for all to see), or two, that as much as someone can like the show “30 Rock,” how many Jack Donaghy GIFs can a person seriously post?

Important to note though–these are the parents who have normal/uninvolved IQs when it comes to social media usage. There is of course, an entire subset of parents who have absolutely zero idea of the rules when it comes to shit like Facebook. Heavily entertaining for friends, but well beyond embarrassing for that parent’s offspring. You know who you are. 

Having Your Credit Card Bill Sent to Your House

Whether it’s a pack of condoms, a credit card statement that reads only of liquor store purchases and bar tabs, or the answer to what you spent all that extra money you said you needed for textbooks, this is NEVER a good idea.

Of course, if your/your parents bank account is based back at your growing pains suburb of choice, this is virtually unavoidable. Meaning that if you want to make it out of college without being branded with that strange looking iron-thing in your garage, pay for everything with cash.

Drunk Dialing

Depending on your parents, this might be endearing at first. Except that “at first” fuses into “at second,” and at second is when those dumb “it’s all fun and games until someone (insert over the top phrase here)” t-shirts from a few years back come into play.

If you’re making this a recurring thing, the range of emotions from other side will read very much like a defeated spouse—first annoyed, then bubbling dangerously, then boiling, then boiling some more, then BOOM, then exhausted, and finally, just helpless.

Being Completely Honest

Do they really want to know what you do instead of attending class? Or what you do when you’re in class? Or, how you took the money they gave you for a gym membership and spent it on a rub and tug?

In the words of Sydney Fife, there are simply some things that we should choose not to tell. Particularly when it comes to talking to people that are for some reason, proud of us.

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