College essays are a vital part of the admissions process. At least that’s what students are led to believe when applying to colleges.
Essays might just be a load of bullshit, especially after reading this Reddit thread dedicated to the the oddest things people have ever written on college admission applications.
Here’s the twelve funniest that actually got people into school — somehow.
The Craziest Stuff Written On Admission Essays
“This brother/sister pair who simply wrote down a list of relatives who had attended, and they wrote down their GPA/average too. They didn’t even answer the prompt we gave them, and at the end they wrote down something like “I hope I can attend this college too”. Their GPA wasn’t bad, it was actually pretty good, but we reject applications that have higher GPAs than them. I’m 99% sure they got accepted. I recognized their last names, their family donates a lot of money to the university.”
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“The University of Chicago lets applicants choose their own essay question, so my friend decided to write a thousand words debating the question “If a piece of toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you were to attach a piece of toast butter side up to a cat’s back?” He explained the theory of “cat/toast equilibrium” and went into detail explaining what he believed would happen. He got in.”
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“My sister went to Yale and this is a story about one of her friends. He was the son of a famous actor and so he could be a bit more cavalier about his essay than most. Yale’s essay prompt was “Why Yale?”. My sister’s friend simply wrote “Dear Yale, you’re great. There’s no need to fish for compliments”. When my sister’s friend met the Dean of his College during the first week of school, the Dean remarked “I really enjoyed your essay”. My sister’s friend was quite flabbergasted and simply turned around and walked away.”
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“I tried to coach my cousin through his college admissions process while he getting ready to apply. Well he is stuck for a while on one of those personal statement essays, basically explaining his story. I didn’t find out about what he ended up writing until after he submitted it. He thought it would be a good idea to talk about his short tenure dealing weed in Newark.”
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“My essay prompt was “What place are you happiest?” or something like that. I wrote about how my favorite place to be is my sisters (both away in college so it’s not weird) room, because of the superior air flow, not being in line with the rising/setting sun, and how the door is slightly too big for it’s frame, giving me a warning that someone is going to come into room, so if I’m dancing, I can stop. Adelphi gave me $75,000 over 4 years.”
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“I work at a very big state university and my personal favorite was one were a guy talked about how his brother got him addicted to pornography and that it affected his view on christianity and women. He then went on to say that he wanted to start a group for people struggling with masturbation.”
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“A friend of mine who attends an Ivy told me about a classmate of his who wrote her admissions essay on the color blue.
I’m not quite sure how they managed to write 500 words about a primary color, but it was apparently just out there enough to work.”
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“I know someone who told U of Michigan that the way they evaluate students is faulty and that GPAs/test scores are useless.
He got in.”
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“I applied to Hofstra this year and their only supplemental essay was ‘Why are you applying to Hofstra?’.
I submitted ‘You gave me a fee waiver.’ I was accepted and received a scholarship of $80,000 over 4 years.”
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“When applying to college we were told about a kid that applied to Harvard. Their prompt asked them to propose their own question and answer it. The kid asked himself “Do you play the trombone?” His answer: “No.” Of course he got in. I’m not sure what the moral of the story was…maybe to think outside the box?”
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“A friend told me about how she applied to University of Chicago with the prompt, ‘Find X.’ She then proceeded to explain how she would find ecstasy in her hometown. She got in.”
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“Hugh Gallagher, a writer, wrote this essay when he applied to NYU (and actually got in).
“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.”
[H/T: Reddit]