College
by Isaac Himmelman on August 26, 2013

Let us gaze for a moment into your graduated future. See that? That’s you moving all your shit—root table, Biggie poster, Christmas lights, bong— back into your parents’ house. And that? That’s you sitting behind a desk at some shitty temp job your mom’s friend got you. And what’s that on your computer screen? Sure doesn’t look like a freakin’ spreadsheet. In fact, that there looks like some run-of-the-mill amateur girl-on-girl. At work, bro? Really? Hey, no judgment. I get it. See, the months immediately following college graduation leave a bro wanton and lonely, longing for the days when eligible chicks were just a quick text and a dorm-hall away. The Portuguese have a word for this kind of longing: “Saudade,” which is a deep melancholic yearning for something that once was but will never again be (think: your sex life in college.) Oh how the mighty have fallen, am I right?

Of course, I’m right.

But look, I hate to be the harbinger of shit news. And the truth is, well, the truth is there’s light at the end of all this. That light is the soft phosphorescence emitting off the girls you will hook up with after college. And you will hook up with girls after college (just not as many as you’re used to.) So, with out further ado, to my fellow-patriots, graduates, and brothers-in-arms I present: The 5 Girls You Will Hook Up With After College.

1. The Ex
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and is there anything more desperate than hitting up your ex-girlfriend with a late night text saying, “I’m thinking of you babe?” First, don’t say “babe.” Ever. Second, you’re back home, graduated, hanging around in the same bedroom you hit puberty in. So yeah, it makes perfect sense that you’re trying to rekindle the flames of a fire that has long since burnt out. Word to the wise: tread carefully in these waters, ‘cus you’re opening up old wounds, and that leaves you ripe for infection. Ok look, euphemisms aside, all I know is this: There’s a reason things went sour between you two way back when. Keep that in mind, and proceed with caution.

2. The Cougar
Turns out, you are the target demo for the older set: bright-eyed, fresh-faced, and more or less unemployed (remember, an internship does not make you employed.) Get ready for some cougar-love, bro, because it’s happening. You might ask excitedly, “Where does one go about meeting a cougar?” Slow your roll tiger! Cougars in the world are just like cougars in the wild. That is to say, they’re everywhere. To be sure, there are some places with a higher population density of them. Think: Whole Foods, gyms, juice bars, bar bars, bar and bat mitzvahs, the gentile-equivalent to bar and bat mitzvahs, single’s events, the interwebs (cougars will call it that), etc. etc. Have fun, and always make them pay for your drinks.

3. The Coworker
Good news. The college-graduated-you will eventually find dutiful employment. It might still involve getting coffee for someone, but at least now you’re getting paid money to do it at Starbucks as opposed to getting paid nothing to do it as someone’s intern. Congrats, bro. Now it is more than likely that at some point you will start sleeping with one of your co-workers. You might wonder if it’s worth reporting your young love to the folks at HR. It’s not. You are low on the totem pole, and no one cares if you’re banging a fellow barista (I believe the act in this case is called “barista sex.”) Have fun, and know, when it does get awkward, don’t quit your job. Or do. Whatever. Who cares? You’re a freakin’ barista.

4. The Onliner
We live in the future. Nowadays a bro like you can go browse through thousands (Millions? Billions?) of eligible cuties online for free. In the olden days, you couldn’t do that. In the even older olden days, your woman would be given to you by your tribal elder in exchange for goats. Thank God we moved past all that, am I right? Of course, I’m right. Now at this very moment, the smart Jews and East Asians up in Silicon Valley are puttering away in their start-up-labs, coming up with new and ingenious ways to connect lonely bro’s to their lonely chick (or bro) counterparts through technologies (think Tindr, Grindr, etc.) The Future! Anyway, the point is, after you graduate some of your hook ups will be birthed from these technologies. You’re probably asking, “Hey! Will this be anything like having sex with a robot?” It won’t be.

5. The Real Deal
Who would’ve thought, you; the bro’s bro, the bachelor degreed bachelor, the forever-single-and-ready-to-mingle-king of men, would find—dare I say it—love? You weren’t going to find it in college. Love can’t live amidst the revelry, weed-smoke, and bass wobble of your undergraduate years. Romance in college drowns in the puddle of Busch Light that surrounds the beer-keg in your basement. But hear that? The bass wobble has subsided in your living, and come to think of it, you’re less drunk theses days. It won’t happen immediately, and there’s no point in rushing things, but soon you’ll meet someone, and you’ll be like, Hey, this is the real deal. And it will be. And you’ll like it. Believe me. 

Alright, that’s it. Be safe, go hard, don’t disrespect women, and for those of you doing another year, Godspeed.

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