Cheating begins with a lie that you tell yourself. Everyone else is doing it! It’s not that bad! Nobody will know! You aren’t blessed with many options. You can take the high road and be a “good person” or you can attempt to get away with it. Even worse is the sheer amount of things in our lives that we can choose to violate by a lack of integrity. You can cheat on your taxes, your spouse, in sports, even in school. Those things are a pretty big fucking deal, aren’t they?
Obviously, cheating occurs in environments that put the most pressure on us to succeed. I know for a fact that a kid from my high school forged his teacher recommendation letters in and was accepted to an incredible university. He didn’t get caught, but God forbid you make a mistake and get caught. Henceforth labeled as a “cheater,” it will follow you as you fight desperately to escape the label. Some think that the majority of people have the ability to forget things like that when they blow over. Really? People don’t fucking forget. Look at Michael Vick. After everything he’s done in recovery, I still encounter people who always bring up dog-fighting when they talk about him. Do you think girls ever forget about the guy that cheated on them? You bet your ass they don’t.
I bring you this information because I recently found myself with my balls in the vice grip of such a situation. I misaligned my moral compass for a second (academically at least) and turned in an assignment that was not of my own work. Sitting in a room with my TA and a university facilitator was not exactly a trip to the fucking circus. Look, I can be a complete douchecannon at times. Somebody trying to get me to admit I was in the wrong has to be like pulling teeth. However, there comes a point in time where you have to reach down and remove your shame-blocking buttplug and let an authority figure have their way with you. I was one assignment away from taking my academic career, setting it ablaze, and living in a trailer with a dog and selling meth for eternity.
“Why did you do it?” I am asked most often. Why are boobs good? Why’s a sunrise good? I don’t know. Like getting drunk and punching a hole in some drywall, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I felt like time was moving twice as fast as it really was towards the deadline. The need to complete the assignment actually took precedence over completing it in the manner that was required. In my mind I was just cutting corners like I used to as a fat fourth grader being forced to run the mile. Ah, what a sick and demented human being I am. Sorry, mom and dad.
So, you have a situation where you may or may not get caught cheating as a result of your actions. What do you do? Well in light of my recent experience…don’t do it, shitass. The overwhelming time spent worrying about whether or not you will get caught could be better spent learning how to recreate the homework you cheated on. You sit at your desk gnawing on your fingernails wondering whether or not somebody is going to notice what you’re thinking of doing. On some levels, knowing you won’t get caught is worse than getting caught. It only encourages you to try and push the system again. Once the system has been pushed too far, it will rear back and smack you in the fucking mouth.
Overall, it really doesn’t matter to me what you do with your life. I am completely devoid of interest in what you do with it. Oh? You cheated on every significant other you’ve had? I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear thus far, but I am not the type of person who can pass judgment on others. Your life is yours to conduct in whatever fucked up and twisted way that it pleases you most. I’m in my twenties, what do I know about anything?
Jake Alexander is a degenerate and you can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto
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