Those teenage heartthrobs Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman had it right. Once they realized they were gonna kick the bucket, they took the initiative to accomplish all the things they dreamed of doing: Skydiving, flying over the North Pole, seeing the Taj Mahal. It took the impending assurance of death for them to realize they’d never actually lived.
I like to believe that Nicholson and Freeman are metaphors for college seniors. Except we’re not terminally ill , we’re graduating, and we don’t have anywhere near the necessary funds to eat dinner in France or safari in Africa. All we have to our names are double-digit bank balances, morally casual attitudes, and debauched impulses. We’re just gonna have to use those to the best of our advantage here.
This list isn’t about the clichés like “streak across campus” or “bang a chick in the library stacks.” If you’ve read any of my other articles, you know I avoid clichés like the plague. (Shit.) Without further ado, here are five weird, semi-harmless, and amusing things to accomplish before all innocence is lost forever:
Put Vanilla Pudding in Mayo Jar. Eat Outside Library.
There are only two places in the world that consume an enormous chunk of my soul every time I go to them: Ocean City, Maryland, and the library. I dread everything about my school’s library. I dread the overpriced brown stool they call coffee. I dread the Kubrickian hallways. I dread the graffiti-ridden bathrooms designed by some genius architect who thought it would be great to place one urinal right next to the sink.
I think I can speak for all of us when I say that the concept of a library is arguably the worst thing to happen to humanity behind famine and war. But with thousands of kids constantly going in and out, you won’t find a better spot on campus to freak people out. If you’re a pudding aficionado, you can have a blast with this one. Wait til it’s blisteringly hot out to really make people think you’re a creature.
Drink on the Roof of an Academic Building
All of us have one or two or nine campus buildings we loathe. When we walk by them, we’re reminded of those horrible classes with those horrible professors who could barely teach, let alone give a damn about the success of their students. The buildings that housed our majors hold a special place in our medulla oblongatas and symbolize the tragic career paths we chose. Journalism majors can commiserate with me.
Every college campus has its little secrets and some of them include obscure ways to sneak into places. Sometimes all it takes is a dark night and some Navy Seals reconnaissance to get on to the roof of a building. Add a few buddies and some liquid courage to the mix and you’ve got a photogenic spot to brag about to all your friends.
Offer Free Hugs On Campus While Sporting a Mustache
In terms of spring holidays, Valentine’s Day and Easter come nowhere close to the sanctity of Mustache March. For bros, it’s one of the best holidays of the year. There are few things funnier than observing the unhygienic efforts of overly pubescent men trying to grow upper-lip warmers. We do it so we can both berate each other’s manhood and look like textbook pedophiles to the entire world.
Any psychology student can chill outside the student union building with a “Free Hugs” sign for the sake of a class project. It takes the perfect combination of balls and panache to walk around campus with a Ron Swanson mustache on your face, trying to hug unsuspecting strangers for absolutely no reason at all. Rally your friends who can grow the best ones, spread yourself out across campus, and get to work. Double points if you wear glasses, too.
Host an End-Of-The-World Party
I don’t think I can stress it enough. We. Graduate. In. Three. Months. Every time I think about it, a sour cringe runs up my spine like I’m watching a Bob Saget standup special. We’re leaving this unrealistic microcosm and succumbing to corporate America.
The world is essentially ending, so the least you can do is have the most absurd, ludicrous, preposterous, and other-ridiculous-synonyms party before it happens. Get every single one of your friends to drop $50 to $100, head to the liquor store, slam the cash on the counter, and say to the cashier man, “Give me everything.” Treat the entire month of May like it’s 2012. You won’t regret it, except when you’re hungover up until graduation. That’s gonna suck.
Get in Shape
HA. Just kidding. Don’t waste your precious last minutes here doing something dumb like that. Enjoy hedonism while you can.
A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible.
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