I spent this past weekend “collegeing” at my brother’s college and realized all the shit I did during my university years is no longer part of my life: case races, beer bongs, MDMA; it’s all stuff that as I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped doing.
It was a blast. And made me wonder. What else did I do in college that I might enjoy in my older age? Well, back when I was trouncing about campus half-cocked, I was always pregaming with 40 ounces of malt liquor. Now, I haven’t had one in forever, so I thought it would be fun to document drinking a 40 at 30 (29 and 7/12ths to be precise) and see if it was as I remembered.
Here we go.
8:40 p.m.: 7-11 still sells the same nasty assortment I recall: Colt 45, Schlitz Malt Liquor, Steel Reserve. I thought about grabbing one of those true abominations, but I couldn’t stray from my first love: Hurricane.
8:41: When I was in high school you could get one for a $1.47. Blacked out in under $3. It’s $2.49 now. This is more of a crime than gasoline.
8:50: Untwist. Smells like bottled Bud Light. Accompanying us on this journey is National Treasure on TNT. Sean Bean just shot the Declaration of Independence with a gun.
8:50: First sip. Still a lot like Bud Light. Flatter. I’m having minor heart palpitations, but that’s because this is my first drink of the day and I’m still hungover. That’s one thing that’s awful about adulthood. The hangovers aren’t worse. Your body is just so much weaker they become downright debilitating. I used to play a flag football game with a roaring hangover. Now, I go out on Saturday night and need to skip the whole next week of work.
8:54: My roommate is in our kitchen making her meals for the week. The contrast in our maturity levels is astounding. Did I mention it’s Sunday night? Yea.
9:03: Hit the top of the label. That was always a big milestone in high school when I hated the taste of booze. Now it just means less 40. Sad face.
9:05: Sunday night sexting really makes people uncomfortable.
9:07: Nick Cage man.
9:07: I kind of wish this was taped to one hand and I had to type with the other. Now that’s a challenge.
9:11: You know who I hate? People who keep their LinkedIn profile up to date. OHH IT’S LIKE NETWORKING BUT WITH THE INTERNET. Shoot me in the face before you ask me to connect on LinkedIn.
9:11: I would drink a 40 every day if not for the negative connotation. How is this worse than a six pack of Coors? We’re all trying to get drunk here people. Let’s stop putting up fronts.
9:11: This is boring. I’m doing a shot of vodka.
9:12: Okay. Maybe I’m an alcoholic. But both National Treasure and Iron Chef America were on a commercial break. What am I supposed to do? Wait for the TV to come back without doing shots of whatever in the freezer?
9:18: Sext reply! “I would instantly regret sleeping with you.” This is what women in my life tell me. On a daily basis. She’s probably right, though. I’m drink malt liquor alone. I haven’t shaved in two weeks. Right now, the only difference between me and a hobo is my Wi-Fi connection.
9:20: Halfway there. A little dizzy when I stand up. Also, god, how I love sexting. It’s a better invention than the oven. Can we talk about how good it is?
9:20: I’m not even sexting right now. I just love it so much.
9:27: Facebook is also stupid. I don’t care that the girl I swam with when I was 14 completed her first triathlon. I wanted to see your boobs when I was horny and going through puberty. Now you’re just… irrelevant.
9:28: I once smoked pot in front of a two-month-old baby. I feel like I need to get that off my chest.
9:28: It was with the girl I just mentioned above. We were in college.
9:31: Fourtys. Fourties? Fortys. How does this work? Does it change if you live in the Britain?
9:35: Is there anything worse than when a girl you are sexting with stops? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Did you lose interest? Are you dead? Is there a way to sext my way back into this conversation? What if I tell you I will go down on you? Why would you stop at a time like this? It should be illegal to disengage from a sexting conversation without consent from both parties.
9:39: I feel like if I keep drinking fast, I won’t get drunk. I’m not sure where that logic is coming from, but it makes sense in this moment.
9:44: AT THE LABEL. In high school, this is where it was acceptable to pour the rest out and move to another. Because you wanted to brag about how many 40s you drank. Why are kids such idiots. WHY NOT DRINK MORE BOOZE?
9:46: I hate when people say “It’s all backwash anyway.” First off, backwash is a disgusting word. Secondly and more importantly NO, IT IS NOT. DO YOU SPIT EVERY TIME YOU DRINK SOMETHING? No. You do not. So shut the fuck up idiots who say the ass of a 40 is all backwash. It’s not. It’s tasty.
9:49: And I’m drunk. Ish. Not totally drunk.
9:51: I just had my grammar corrected in a sext. WHO IS THE WRITER HERE?
9:51: She was right though.
9:55: VISTORY. That was delicious. And it’s so early. I kinda want another drink.
9:57: However, I am old. Responsibility sucks. Don’t ever leave get a job. It will just leave you miserable and thinking about how much less you are allowed to drink. Stay in college forever.
The Morning After: That is one nasty mouth feel. But I feel good. Only because I stopped after one. Ugh. Adulthood. Lamer than Pogs.