Welcome to "Bro Breakdowns" a weekly series exploring the deepest and darkest depths of our loud, proud, and ceaselessly classy species. This week we'll be featuring the Bro you never want to be trapped in a room with, the YouTube Addicted Bro
Natural Habitat: Uncharted internet waters
Strengths: Wasting your time, Not wasting your time once every seven videos
Weaknesses: Having a selective taste in humor, Sunlight.
This is the Bro who will show you one “sick” video, then another, then another, and concludes by promising that the final video “gets good” at the 1: 42 mark. What he lacks in recognizing blatant social cues--namely, your contrived smile that screams you’re being held hostage by his viral video prison--he more than makes up for in being irrationally excited for about 30 seconds of something that’s barely funny.
The Youtube Bro is very similar to a parrot whose also a Packers fan, in that he’ll randomly start saying things like “Let’s get inside the mind of a Greg Jennings,” at any moment. The more detestable form of this species will sometimes resort to commenting on videos, usually in the form of offhand witty remarks that were at one time funny, but now tired references that are victims of the unforgiving wrath of people who exist solely on the internet. The YouTube Bro’s most prized memories include the time when he commented that “461 people have never been to rack city,” his discovery of the my new haircut video (BEFORE ANYONE ELSE), and the extended period of time during which Charlie Sheen was ‘winning.’
It’s pretty difficult to avoid the Youtube Bro, being that approximately one in every seven males are afflicted with at least some form of this highly unfortunate disease. Like any sickness however, the best possible plan of action is to limit contact whenever possible. Easy and safe prevention techniques include telling him you did actually see last night’s episode of Tosh.0, and being in the same room when he's got his
weapon of mass destruction laptop out.
If the Youtube Bro questions you about a video, always claim that you’ve seen seen it. No matter how curious you may be about how the motocross guy jumped over an elephant, it’s best you watch it on your own-time. Having him show it to you--well, after the 20 second commercial is over--means that you’ll be rooted to the same spot for at least 30 more minutes. And no, it doesn’t matter how badly you have to take a piss. YouTube Bros don't take pisses, unless they involve being caught by the cops, swimming through a moat filled with dog sh*t, and almost getting eaten by an alligator.
Bro Breakdowns Appears Every Friday. Catch Up On Previous Bro Breakdowns Here.