Welcome to "Bro Breakdowns" a weekly series exploring the deepest and darkest depths of our loud, proud, and ceaselessly classy species. This week we'll be featuring the Bro who considers his city superior to all, the NYC Bro
Natural Habitat: Murray Hill, Stuyvesant Town
Strengths: Complaining About Rent, Duane Reade
Weaknesses: Time Warner Cable
Biggest Fear: Brooklyn
The NYC Bro comes in all shapes and sizes, but those devoted to the more hardcore strains of NYC Brohood share a number of similar qualities:
The NYC Bro often arrives in the big city fresh from his frat days, meaning that he’s likely living with the 2-3 other kids who also majored in finance. He'll then proceed to quickly acquire a solid base of 8-10 “going out” friends--2-3 of these friends will join the group via a study abroad connection, and an additional two are a product of attending the same jewish summer camp. Initial gatherings of the new friend group will thus consist heavily of unnecessarily prolonged discussions about a particularly awesome club in Barcelona, a nostalgic recollection of a camp Olympics, or an exhaustive discussion about how big a deal it was when Melanie gave Brandon a BJ out on the lake. The true test for any NYC Bro is how well he’s able to master the mutual friend game, so it's important to perform admirably during such introductions.
Despite living in a major city, the NYC Bro has never ventured into a bar that also has a ton of Vandy and/or UMich kids. He visits bars such as the Joshua Tree, Brother Jimmys (Bro-J's), Phebes, Bowery Electric, and the Delancey with alarming frequency, although these trips are often prefaced by groans to indicate some weird acknowledgement of never trying anything new. Nights that don’t end in hookups nearly always end in $1 dollar pizza, and all weekend nights are recapped next day at an unnecessarily expensive brunch, courtesy of your friend group's dating connection via one of the city's many PR trios.
Because he’s now an adult and living in a city where there’s culture and ideas and sh*t, the NYC Bro will likely resolve to eat healthier, which will be supplemented by briefly attempting obscure training regimens and/or diets. For this reason alone, many an NYC Bro has attempted to do that recently popular ‘juice cleanse.’ He takes additional satisfaction in bragging about his health-conscious accomplishments, believing they give him some strange sense of adventurous spirit not often exhibited by his species.
He also will get a twitter, and proceed to rip on people who have food blogs. That's everywhere though.
Catch Up on Previous Bro Breakdowns Here