We're reviving our "Bro Breakdowns" series, now bigger and badder than ever before. This time around, we'll be exploring the deepest and darkest depths of our loud, proud, and ceaselessly classy species. Our inaugural post features everyone’s favorite heart-attack waiting to happen; the Late-Night Food Bro
Species: Late Night Food (Greasus Pepperonus)
Natural Habitat: Beneath a small fort of empty pizza boxes
Strengths: Credit cards, passing out with the lights on
Weaknesses: Ranch dressing
Biggest Fear: Losing his top 10 ranking on GrubHub.
The LNF Bro is found primarily in houses where kitchens exist, but only by a technicality. His knowledge of every single late-night food option in the area is only the tip of the iceberg; he also knows the name of every delivery guy within a ten mile radius, and likely has shared a beer or two with each. No one can explain how or why this happened.
Roommates of the LNF Bro consider him a double-edged sword. One one hand, he supplies a never-ending stream of cajun fries to vulture off of. On the other hand, he’s the primary reason you feel as if you’re permanently covered in shame glaze. This is because when on top of his game, the LNF Bro is extremely dangerous. His dominance of cheesesteaks, fried chicken, and shrimp parm heroes--complete with free milkshakes as a result of racking up so many foodie points--spells doom for everyone else in the house (other than the kid with the freakish metabolism, who deserves a serious beatdown for treating his body like Christian Bale treats amateurs).
His never-ending smorgasbord of fridge leftovers will cause you to fall deeper and deeper into the pit of “ehh, f*ck going to the gym today,” and your friends will begin to make fat jokes with increasing frequency. And perhaps worst of all, your vintage Toronto Raptors Doug Christie jersey will become so tight that it will soon be rendered unwearable.
The LNF food Bro has never seen an eggroll he didn’t half-eat and leave on the coffee table for two days. He’s also never gone a weekend night without ordering at least double the amount of food he’s able to eat. For the LNF Bro, fourth-meal isn’t so much an occasion as it is an ritualistic obligation. In fact, he’s completely blown and/or ditched opportunities for hookups in order to assert his dominance as the king of the onion ring. Other than eating at obscure times, he enjoys watching re-runs of “Taken,” “Robo Cop”, “Die Hard”, and “Catch Me If You Can.” He is a huge fan of never wearing a shirt, and he’s eaten less than 10 salads in his entire life.
Have an idea for the next edition of Bro Breakdowns? Email firstname.lastname@example.org, and receive a response that will likely contain zero exclamation points.