Welcome to "Bro Breakdowns" a weekly series exploring the deepest and darkest depths of our loud, proud, and ceaselessly classy species. This week we'll be featuring the Bro you're really glad you're not, the Drunk Text Bro
Species: Drunkus Textus
Natural Habitat: Mysteriously off in the corner
Strengths: Creepiness, Scoring with the desperate
Weaknesses: Restraining orders, Harassment Suits
Biggest Fear: Waking up
The Drunk Text Bro, or the Drexter, is strangely proud of his ability to consistently handle his relationships in the worst way possible. His lifestyle is decidedly Jenga-ish, meaning that the Drexter has an unhealthy obsession of always going one step too far. This of course, results in everything predictably crashing down on him in remarkably brutal fashion.
The majority of the time, the Drexter is actually a pretty normal human being. The problems arise when the Drexter enters the “Passcode Purgatory,” a dark and mysterious place where the Drexter will nearly always second guess himself to the point of creeping out every single slam in his phone. In theory its not too different than athletes being in “the zone,” except that while "the zone" often leads to an endless parade of phone numbers and one night stands, "Passcode Purgatory" leads to legal action.
Common symptoms of “Passcode Purgatory” include pacing around in a corner for extended periods of time, unexplained burying face in hands, and whimsical tirades about exes. This is of course not true for the majority of Drexters, as evidenced by fairly regular Facebook novels sent at 4:45 am.
In action, the Drexter strongly resembles the Hulk. He generally has little control over the content and mood of his texts, often making his return to normalcy that much more frightening. With the Drexter, every morning is scarier than the next. Overcome by the reality of his condition, the Drexter will experience random surges of pride in his talent, which can be extremely dangerous if not properly controlled. Suffice to say that when hanging out with a Drexter, make sure to never leave your phone in plain sight.
The following morning, it’s almost certain that the Drexter will launch into a trite monologue about his self-destructive Voltorb tendencies, which will likely be supplemented by him actually reading or showing you texts. However difficult it may be, it’s very important to at least appear to listen to what he’s saying. Padding your reaction with few forced chuckles and the occasional “I can’t believe you f*cking said that” is never a bad idea either. Remember, his condition is tragically incurable.
Picture Courtesy of Jokeroo