Species: The Exaggerated Drinking Bro (At Leastus, Twentae Shotsus)
Natural Habitat: Anywhere, with three hungover Bros who really don't give a sh*t
Strengths: Wounded soldiers
Weaknesses: Basic math
Biggest Fear: Realizing it only takes him six beers to get trashed
There’s binge drinking, and then there’s binge embellishing. The exaggerated drinking Bro is pretty proficient in both, but his true strength is in the latter.
Although this Bro thrives in environments predicated on EDM infused open-hand fist-pumping, being an EDB requires an insane amount of self-discipline. Everything from his appearance to his Bro-speak must consistently reaffirm the fact that, well, maybe he did actually have 15 shots and 10 beers last night (he didn’t).
Because it’s unacceptable for the EDB to tell people he had less than 20 drinks in a given night, he must look like he could handle said amount without needing his stomach pumped. In other words, his physique must resemble Ray Lewis.
A good rule of thumb for an aspiring EDB is to look as much like the Hulk as you possibly can. Tight (but not too tight) t shirts complemented by blank, “I’m 14 drinks in and I’m still sober” type stares is probably the best way to go. Never miss a chance to bring up high school football parties, even if you didn’t play high school football. Other people will automatically assume you started doing keg stands at age 14, and that your liver gave up on you a long, long time ago.
2. Bro Speak
The EDB talks in an exceedingly low grunt, in he which will utter the following phrases:
A. “Dude…I go so f*hkted up last night”
- While the “so” must be emphasized, it should not be prolonged. “So f*cked up” is not the same thing as “soooooo f*cked up.” The second one means that (a. you a girl, (b. you were actually sober, and (c. you’re just using the phrase to justify hooking up with that dude who your friends don’t approve of.
B. “I wanna say we started pregaming at like…7?.”
- If you’re in the business of calling out the EDB for the harmless fraud he really is, this is a crucial phrase. Prefacing his recollection with such vagueness will let him get away with a shot here, an extra pong game there, and ultimately, added blackout time. Blackout time is pretty dangerous, as it allows the EDB to automatically add 5 more drinks to his count. Otherwise there’s obviously no shot he would’ve blacked out in the first place.
C. “I must’ve had at least…”
- “Must’ve” is probably the EDB’s favorite word. Not only does it inform others of his (exaggerated) drink total, but it also implies that there’s no f*cking chance he could’ve drank less than that total. I mean, how the f*ck else would that all that crazy sh*t (that barely happened) happen?
3. Postgame Modesty
After solidifying the final tally, it’s always a good idea for the EDB to appear mildly impressed with himself. This will put the achievement in context. Not everyone could claim they had seven more drinks than they actually did. You’re a legend in your own time.
Have an idea for the next edition of Bro Breakdowns? Email firstname.lastname@example.org