College
by Andy Moore on October 3, 2013

What follows is—according to our more level-headed fratstar friends at TFM—an actual email sent during ATO's rush last week at Vanderbilt University. A human being, with real thoughts and feelings, wrote it. It's utterly incredible: He promises, uh, a “rape-free” Monday Night Football watch party. He brags about playing strip pong in a way that makes strip pong sound horrifying. He says he'll flirt with your mom. Self-awareness level? Less than zero.

Just… look: 

Sup fuckheads,

In my last email I led an attack on Sorority date parties. I’d like to briefly apologize as I will admit that I actually had fun at a sorority date party this past Friday. I don’t know if it was actually fun or if I was tricked into believing it was fun after ordering 4 long island iced teas to the horror of my date stuck paying the bill. The night culminated in playing strip pong with my roommate and our two dates. During these festivities, a group of freshman knocked on my door and I apparently told you “We were all just about to have sex but you’re welcome to join” and then proceeded to fully open the door and show them what 2 naked women look like. Whoever you are, you’re welcome.

After the pong, our Resident poet [name redacted] kicked me out of the room, sent me to this chick’s room, and then left his naked date in the room for an hour while he fucked a different girl in the shower. I am not too sure what his thought process was, so fuck him. Fuck Mother Nature too. Due to a 70% chance of thunderstorms, we cancelled our exclusive off campus event and then Saturday was fucking beautiful. Also, fuck softball. I sprained my quad going hard in intramural Softball which has now led to me walking around looking like I was just buttfucked harder than that girl that was with D-Roc.

Okay I’m done ranting

Monday – MNF at 7:30. We will have refreshments and stadium seating. This will be a rape free event, I promise. Football is safe again.

Tuesday – We have a brotherhood event this Tuesday and will be unable to give you free booze. Sorry.

Wednesday – I really fucking hate Wednesdays. But we are having Officer Neely speak at our house this day on risk management or some bullshit. I don’t really fucking know but all of us will be here, bored and sober, listening to a police officer rant. Do you see why I hate Wednesdays?

Thursdays – To those of you who had fun last Thursday, we are doing the same shit. Come by, bring your crew, lose to me in pong. This seems like a recurring Thursday theme. Oh yeah we also have a sorority swap before this event and will probably have a theme. Maybe Hawaiian sluts or something so I can see chicks with coconut bras. I don’t really know yet, but text me if you’re coming and Ill give you the theme so you can get your bitches decked out. Yeah probably Hawaiian.

Friday – Those of you that have been officially abandoned by your parents and don’t have them coming down, text me to find out what shenanigans we are up to. If your parents are coming and are down to get down, drop by the house and I’ll take shots with your dads while flirting with your hot moms. You can’t take a shot though, you silly freshman, you’re not 21.

Saturday – What are we doing Saturday? Oh yeah its the parents weekend tailgate that my mother blacked out and drove back to her hotel after, last year. We are actually hosting this in the back because. Um I forgot, but yeah come in the back. Also we have like 2 tons of shrimp coming in for a shrimp boil. Fuck crawfish, I like shrimp.

Maybe I’ll consider hosting Sunday Events in the future. But I’m usually too hungover to do anything.