Between papers and finals student’s workloads are packed tighter than the arteries of someone who works at Arby’s. The crippling amount of information students have to retain is making them resort to ADHD pills. Taking ADHD medicine is steroids for nerds, with weirder side effects. It will make you get all your work done, but it could also make you count the amount of tiles in your ceiling. ADHD meds can help you succeed, but they also make your heart race like the first time you saw a clown. Here is a better understanding of what actually happens when you take ADHD pills.
Lists: The moment ADHD medicine hits, you’re going to make a list like a Buzzfeed editor looking for Facebook hits. Step one on your list is to write a list. Step two is to finish everything on that list before the world stops moving slower than normal. Number 13 on the list, find out if you’ve developed bullet time super powers or not. ADHD medicine sends your brain into a frenzy of productivity while making your body content with you sitting in the same place for 2 days. All of a sudden you’re going to remember that time you forgot to call your best friend when you were 10, now you have to go find him on Facebook and apologize about that, directly after you finish a paper and reorganize your fridge.
OCD: You thought you were OCD because you washed your hands a lot and got a little anxious when you didn’t make your bed? ADHD meds are going to make it so you have to count every single stitch on the arm of your couch so you’re allowed to drink water again. If you don’t have a million things to do, OCD comes out in full force on ADHD pills. You’re about to be awake for 24 hours, so it’s hard to stay productive when you finish work at a pace a child factory worker is jealous of. ADD pills are medical grade speed. In one night you can learn everything about the economics of Guns Vs. Butter, or you could end up realizing your teeth are itchy and you should adopt a dog.
Food: All of a sudden you’ve realized that food is disgusting. Who came up with the idea of putting other animals flesh in a bacteria filled hole, grinding it with external bone structures and swallowing it down into an acid pit? Why do we do this in public? ADHD meds will cut your appetite down to that of a dehydrated Somalian. Even looking at food can be absolutely disgusting; all of a sudden you realize that Mac and Cheese is gross because it’s nothing but chemicals, which is ironic because you just ingested a bunch of chemicals.
Social Anxiety: ADHD pills make listening to other people difficult. You want to be learning or running or scratching or anything that’s not waiting for someone to finish a stupid story about their aunt. Sure, you can’t help but focusing on every detail of the story, but it doesn’t mean you want to be there. Your anxiety level goes through the roof when on these pills in a large public space, it’s not fun interacting. You’ll find yourself asking questions like someone who has had 30 concussions while thinking about how you could be cleaning your place instead. People are boring to begin with, so adding a drug that speeds everything up makes them boring faster.
Bread Foster is a NYC comedian who was on ADHD meds when he wrote this. Follow him on twitter @BreadFoster
[Image via ShutterStock]