For reasons known to most everyone, Investment Banking and related professions have become the de-facto thing to do if you’re smart, driven, and generally well-adjusted enough to be “successful.” And as a lot of very well done articles point out, the nation’s top schools are increasingly becoming one-percenter farm systems for a select group of prestigious corporations and boutique firms.*

*Whether or not this is a good or bad thing is not necessarily the point here, but the fact remains that this shit is (and has been) very much happening.

While I have exactly zero personal experience in the field (this should be obvious), I’ve spent the better half of the last decade tangentially immersed in the lifestyles of the Chase and the Barclays--I went to a school very much “in the pipeline,” half my friends are getting their M&A’s on 90 hours a week (the rest of which is spent buying us poors shots), and the Jacob to my Man In Black, my older brother, has been on the grind for the past few years now. I even made a senior thesis documentary somewhat related to the whole thing.

In other words, my raging case of little brother syndrome has prompted me to (a. possibly throw my life away via the insufferable millennial need to do something “cool” for a living, and (b. because of that, have become an unlicensed cultural commentator on the craze. So in that spirit, here are 9 sweet ways to totally #makeit as a person who aspires to “summer” in the Hamptons:

1. Brush Up On Your Alpha-Male Movie Quotes

You always get the semi-toolish comparison that working at a bank is like “pledging a professional frat.” Likely because you get that same high-octane environment predicated on male camaraderie, which is really just the working-world version of being on a high school sports team.

Meaning, you guys are on some sort of greater mission, the type that’ll put everything you’ve got to the test while still maintaining your poise and commitment to charismatic awesomeness. Talk to me, Goose.

2. Be Really Short, or Really Tall

5 ft. 8 inches > x < 6 ft. 2 inches

x = probably not in finance.

3. Cross the Line Every Once in Awhile

Any job comprised of a bunch of Go Gettas (trap all day, play all night), will have a tendency to push things to the brink. Whether that be going the extra mile on a report, staying at the office an additional three hours, or making possibly insensitive comments about others, this is a culture predicated on excess. Meaning that if you’re in it, there’s no point in not celebrating it--or at the very least, recognizing its novelty.

This of course, is often a dangerous practice. The Goldman Sachs Elevator Twitter seems a bit too stereotypical to base everything on, and Jordan Belfort’s midget-tossing escapades would probably blow up on instagram/the blogs nowadays. But if that sort of thing is considered crossing the line, the line is obviously a bit elevated. Again, not entirely a bad thing--you’ve gotta be a little nuts if you wanna make it big. 

4. Perfect Your Two-Sentence-Long “Meeting Friends While Out at 2 a.m.” Script

Must include:

• How fuckin’ exhausted you are
• How late you had to stay at the office one night this week (not worth mentioning if 1 am or earlier)
• The phrase “this big deal” in conjunction with the phrase “is going down” in conjunction with the phrase "I can't really talk about it"
• How this is your first time out in like a month
• A general air of premature cynicism and detached superiority

banker bro pic via shutterstock