The Failed Sorostitute
You have to feel bad for this person. Falling in between a number of collegiate girl stereotypes (too fun for the busy-business woman, too cool for the overexcited narrator, isn’t on a sports team, and isn’t superficial/attractive enough to be a hardcore sratter), she is really just a woman without an island. But like everyone else, she falls victim to the human need to be validated by other groups of people, even if she doesn’t totally agree with what they stand for.
Wanting to go up a rung rather than down, she’ll end up joining a sorority (if the school doesn't have greek life, this will instead be a group of people who call themselves some forced nickname, and are effectively the same exact thing) But because she doesn’t start 42% of her sentences with OMG, she inevitably becomes somewhat ostracized. And because she’s somewhat ostracized, she’ll find herself pressing a lot harder than she’d wish.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: A psychologist.
Disgraced Larry David
People love Larry David because he’s mastered the ability to call out the absurdities of social norms in a way that is not only “soooo true,” but is also liberatingly funny. But because these are the sorts of things that everyone experiences, an entire generation of budding comedic minds think that because they were once at a dinner party they didn’t want to be at, they TOO could become the next Larry David.
Problem is, to gain widespread notoriety for having humorous ideas generally takes time--you read stories of comedians, and half of them take at least a decade to actually be funny. #TrophyGeneration wants that shit now though, so we tend to press. And the result is very annoying.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Deciding whether or not they should take the promotion at the bar/restaurant, thus giving up dreams of becoming an actor and opting to live a life rooted in bitter regret
That heinous attempt at a Tucker Max joke aside, Tucker Min is a what people would think of the now-famous misogynistic crusader if he was (a. not actually a pretty intelligent guy, and (b. one of those douchey parody twitter accounts whose brilliance was tragically misunderstood by all 31 of his twitter followers. Fluent in grunt, Tucker suffers from Frat Bro tourettes--a tragic disease in which he uncontrollably blurts out things like “chicks” and “blacked the FUCK out” in the middle of completely unrelated sentences. He could be kind of cool if he didn’t take himself so seriously, but alas, the pressure that comes with being a hookup legend gets to him in the worst of ways.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Some weird frat life reformer who uses his story as a cautionary tale, similar to how drug addicts become motivational speakers
A marketing major, the #Grind’s enormous social media presence will notify you that when it comes to ambiguous startup projects that have little clout beyond the University Community, this is your guy. A friend of the fratstars and GDI’s alike, this future buzzword and douchey salesperson superstar would love nothing more to “hook you up” -- though his possibly superficial trust in everything and everyone (as well as his affinity for hashtags) is a little bit unnerving
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Developing a passive-aggressive relationship with bouncers at clubs in NYC’s meatpacking district