No matter how large or small your school may be, there are certain strains of human that manage to exist on virtually every campus in America. Below, the wonderful characters and what they (may fail to) bring to the table:
Either a somewhat well-known frat rapper or a rising YouTube star, the quasi-celebrity is constantly padded with the ego boost of being the person who those freshman girls on the other side of the room are excitedly whispering about. Those who know him/live with him realize that while he may be all that, he's really just a relatively talented dude whose managed to figure out a way to be good at stuff that other people find enjoyable.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: A real celebrity, and a select number of friends/acquaintances who think they’re more intelligent than said person will be simultaneously amused, baffled, and slightly jealous.
The Future Busy-Businesswoman
Her ever-polished resume and near-perfect GPA has no time for relaxation--yea you’ll see her at parties, but she’s really only there to look down on the moronic buffoons who are drinking their way into an actual college experience. To your chagrin, this humorless version of Liz Lemon is probably extremely attractive, particularly when wearing her usual power suit uniform.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Five years closer to being 35, single with no prospects, and on the verge of having a nervous breakdown--which will manage to be prevented by unexpectedly meeting some down to earth (but decently successful) guy who will call her out on her issues, force her to re-evaluate her entire life philsophy, and spur her to take a job considered “less prestigious,” all in the pursuit of a "healthily balanced outlook" that includes getting married and having kids before it’s too late.
Mr. “It’s Not A Major, It’s a Lifestyle”
Finance is the biggest culprit here, particularly once that second-semester junior year internship craze hits. Always on the hustle, these types are amongst the biggest fans of going out to dinner with larger groups of people, and talking predominantly about things that only pertain to those who have decided to sacrifice their well-being and general happiness for spirited talks of mergers, bank gossip, and some interesting thing they saw on Dealbreaker.
Embracing the lifestyle has certainly given these dudes purpose though, and it’s not like you could really knock the fact that their signing bonuses alone are nearly half of everyone else's salaries.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Still unsure if they completely threw their life away/wondering when exactly those hot girls they’d otherwise be unable to get come into play
The Hooded Sweatshirt Douchebag
While everyone else is doing things like being enthusiastic about the college experience and showing support for sports teams, this joker is too absorbed in his completely genius observations about college life in general to have any time for actual experiences. So deep and profound, you may see him taking long walks at 4am complete with blasting headphones (Third Eye Blind), or taking out his frustration with his secretly impressive athletic ability, which for some reason he chooses not to utilize that often. May have an irrational obsession with chain restaurants (specifically Red Lobster), which is only due to the fact that this person believes that there is no greater calling in life than being completely misunderstood.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: A floundering comedian
The Overexcited Narrator
Half of the reason the hooded sweatshirt douchebag turned out the way he is can be directly attributed to this person, who first makes their scarring mark the moment Freshman arrive for campus orientation.
Having heard that college is supposed to be the time of your life, this is the person who thinks that sitting in a circle and having an impromptu, alcohol-free dance party with 7 people you met five minutes ago is just that. The over-enthusiasm is really just toxic.
In 5 Years They’ll Be: Leading team-building exercises for a mid-level consulting company, of which the participants will spend the whole time wondering why they’re being treated like they’re in Kindergarten.
college life pic via shuttershock