For most, college is an alluring beacon of independence. You’re on your own for the first time, which means that living on an endless diet of Chipotle is no longer an unattainable dream. Drinking every night is very much an option, and hookups no longer need to be stealthily planned between parents’ grocery store runs.
Soon enough however, many of us find that we’re barely capable of living on our own. The laundry piles up to the height of Mt. Vesuvius’ little cousin, our drinking leads to a few too many mornings on the toilet, and the sore throat/stuffy nose combo threatens to become dangerously permanent. Fearful that you actually might only be capable of living life like a particularly large garden slug, you’ll willfully set out to conquer various tasks of self-improvement. Naturally, that’s about as far as it’ll go.
To celebrate our feeble attempts at bettering ourselves, here’s 10 things that you might as well not bother kidding yourselves with in the first place–however adamant you may initially be, its just not gonna happen.
1. “Catch Up”
By junior year, a lot of the friendships you formed as a freshman will become increasingly superficial. Many a time, this isn’t necessarily by design; it’s probably just a reality of joining a different frat, living with different people, or suddenly becoming incredibly whipped.
It happens like this: You’ll run into each other on the street or in a bar, realize that you had some pretty dope times together, but also realize you’re creeping dangerously close to having zero things in common. Both feeling nostalgic and/or guilty, the two of you decide you must hang out sometime.
Note that if this exchange happens between two girls, both will likely be way too passionate about “getting together soon.” This of course, is to compensate for the fact that it will never happen. The thing about the old days, they the old days.
*This is by no means college specific, and will happen during the course of your entire life. College is just when you start building the necessary skill set.
2. Develop A Gym Routine
After spending a few too many nights with the late-night food Bro, you’ll likely start worrying that the 50 wings sitting in your stomach will start g-chatting with Pinocchio’s nose and figure out the magic formula. And although your visits to the gym aren’t exactly non-existent, they mostly consist of walking around in sweatpants, high-fiving other people walking around in sweatpants, and becoming fully committed to the developing story on ESPN.
So you’ll call up your gym buddy with the special gloves, who will likely prematurely ejaculate at the very thought of having someone to talk to about muscle combinations without getting called out for pronouncing them wrong. At first, his enthusiasm will rub off on you in encouraging fashion–though that likely won’t last past the first workout. At which point, you’ll be so annoyed by him walking around like a pseudo-meathead repeating the word “swull,” that you’ll claim to have a paper to write the next three times he asks you to lift. The first of such requests will probably be later that afternoon.
3. Go To Office Hours
Scratch that. This one should read, “Going to office hours to talk to the Prof. about something with intellectual substance, completely unrelated to trying to make face so that it looks like you care, so that you’ll get an A- on the paper you know nothing about.”
The fatal flaw of our academic meritocracy is that grades supersede substance. Even if a student wants to actually learn more about something, there’s another paper to write, and sh*t I need a good GPA so I could sit in a cubicle for a lot of hours, post the scenic view on facebook, and then tell people about how hard it is.
The social and grade-based demands of college often leave little time for someone to actually be interested in stuff, meaning that it’s rare you’ll go to office hours for anything other than grade-grubbing. The very thought will actually frighten you, as the only people who voluntarily go to office hours are the Melvins whose pupils start oddly contracting at the very mention of “alcoholic beverages.”
4. Attempt To Do The Reading
Along the same vein, though this is more of the educator’s fault. Wikipedia is a thing, and so is the Will Ferrell Marathon currently happening on FX. Reading 94 pages of dense philosophical bullsh*t (that has to be explained in class anyway because even the two people who read it don’t understand it) is the epitome of counterproductivity, and thus idiocy.
Thankfully, logic tells us that if idiotic people do the readings, then non-idiotic people must not do the readings. Education, Bro.
5. Maintain Your Blog
Someone should do a research study on this. I’d bet that out of all blogs started by college kids, at least 90% don’t make it past 10 posts. I’d also be willing to bet that over 50% of a blogs facebook likes are out of obligational or networking purposes rather than genuine interest in the content.
6. Spend Less $$
Throwing money at the bar for a few drinks–and then for a few more drinks–always seems to be the greatest idea on Saturday night. Though at around 6PM the next day, you’ll realize that the damage done to your bank account wasn’t exactly a playful jab.
Panicked for about five seconds, you’ll resolve to buckle down for at least the next week. Then Wednesday rolls around, and there’s that girl you’ve been dying to impress. The frugality begins to fade, and your guilt is justified by the inexplicable social validity of the cultural movement known as #FirstWorldProblems
7. Go To The Dining Hall/Cook
The first really only applies to upperclassmen, who, despite having a meal plan, will drastically under-use their swipes. Excuses will range from inconvenience (“it’s all the way on the other side of campus”), to disdain (“I want to go, but they’ve got rid of the wrap station and I mean come on”), to fear of sitting alone like you’re f*cking Stephen Glansberg. The point is, eating at dining hall doesn’t have anything going for it anymore, and it’s probably best you stay as far as you can away from it.
Cooking is just about the complete opposite of this. It requires diligence, and it requires competence; two qualities that you choose not to possess when it comes to this particular activity.
8. Never Drink Again
We’ve all said it. And for most of us, the proclamation lasted about twelve hours.
9. Beast Mode/Settle Down
Every now and then, a buddy of yours known for his incomparable slaying stats will claim to grow tired of pretending to not know the names of the girls he’s slept with. Similarly, your “good guy” friend–the one whose been with the same slightly above average girl for the past two years–will, every now and then, talk about his yearning for a life of grimy DFMOs, OTPHJs, and next morning high-fives.
Despite everyone wanting to mark the boxes of their “You Only College Once” checklist, this is often a transformation too radical to naturally occur. Morphing from an intriguing douchebag to a sackless nice guy, or vice-versa, is not something that can happen organically. It takes a particularly sh*tty breakup–or an inexplicably smitten dude–for such a radical alteration.
In other words, you can’t say it’s gonna happen. That’s just real life sh*t, and real life sh*t is never gonna defer to you for approval. It just happens.
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