A few weeks ago, we discussed 9 College Majors, and what they said about those who “studied” them. Given that two weeks is really all you need to learn all the material necessary to graduate college, we figured it was high-time to glimpse into what their lives will be like on the flip-side–when the Tuesday night binges cede to falling asleep before 11 PM, the only positive item on the horizon being the next night's “Modern Family.”
1. Investment Banking
When seeing your other friends out, it’s important to bemoan how this is the first time you’ve been out in two weeks. The tone must be as apologetic as it is wistful, giving them the opportunity for them to feel sympathetic towards you, the person who is making five times their salary.
Despite trying to spend as much money as possible during your bi-monthly outings at #daclub, it seems pretty impossible to empty your pockets. Between the dinners expensed, transportation costs covered and below-budget apartment courtesy of your roommates with shittier jobs, you literally have zero idea what the fuck you’re gonna do with all this money.
You are also either 5 ft. 7 or 6 ft. 3, and nowhere in between.
2. Public Relations
In addition to only being allowed to write emails in all caps, you are required to constantly attend events that specialize in mid-level dudes cheating on their girlfriends with 22 year-old assistants.
You feel like you should be somewhat honored for the opportunity to attend the exclusive “Miller-Coors Beer Taste Test Extravaganza sponsored by the 50th and 52nd minutes of the new James Bond Movie,” except that this is your 5th night out this week. And it’s only Thursday.
This species actually contains a number of strains. But if there’s one thing they can all get behind, it’s their ongoing love/hate relationship with their ever-increasing collection of sweatpants.
It’s become increasingly difficult to talk to this person, given that your go-to conversational fodder nowadays deals with how much you work at the office at your job in your business at your cubicle with your work phone. You may want to come home and talk about how rough it was to do four hours of work and four hours of mindless internetting, but they’re the one’s with the real struggle. Netflix is cool, but long-term self esteem issues and earning potentials are beginning to take their toll.
4. Creative Douche
Because you wish to do a job where you earn money for thinking thoughts, you have unintentionally become one of the worst people in the postgraduate arena.
Your “struggle” doesn’t deserve to be sympathized with, mainly due to your increasingly disturbing mooch frequency, poor person lifestyle habits, and oft-infuriating bandwagon liberalism.
You’re quite aware of the various complexities surrounding the social media attention economy, but increasingly ignore them due to the fact that you’re such a fucking genius and are therefore above the rules. All someone has to do is read your “Top 10 Things to Write About in a Top 10 list,” and they’ll immediately “get” why you are “the voice.”
You’re increasingly certain that you’ll never find out what you actually do. This isn’t that much of a problem though, because there seems to be worse things nowadays than putting on a suit, yelling a bunch of buzzwords, and walking away with 65K straight out of school.
Speaking of buzzwords, you crush the SBA (Spreadsheet of Buzzword-Acronyms) like no other. Walking around like a hyperventilating jargon-bot used to be your greatest fear, but it seems to be a turn-on for all the career-oriented gold-diggers strutting around the office. Too much perfume, but there are worse things.
6. Marketing Associate
Are you a hardworking, hands-on person with an enthusiasm for organic strategic branding initiatives within the burgeoning digital arena? A social media guru with the rare eye for what makes people tick, and know what it takes to curate, execute, and execute VIRAL CAMPAIGNS? Did we say execute twice, but not bother to correct ourselves? Then BOY do we have a relatively boring, underpaid, non-intellectually stimulating job for you!
7. Graduate School
We'll fuse Med and Law into one here, because they’re pretty much the same at this stage–you’re spending an obnoxious amount of time doing shit so you can later do shit and also have a room solely dedicated to overpriced Bourbon.
Graduate school is decidedly removed from the rest of the ilk, given that it represents a strange paradox–you’re temporarily a poor person doing a rich person’s profession, a situation that only your similarly career-minded peers could really understand. This is one of the many reasons why graduate school kids tend to cluster together socially. That, or the fact that single women at law school are suddenly surrounded by a bunch of semi-successful dudes that are all about to become LAWYERS.
8. Administrative Assistant
Answering phone calls, crushing microsoft outlook schedules, but mostly g-chatting for hours on end. This is grad school for those looking for the advanced form of the MRS Degree.
The truly skilled get with their 39 year-old boss, cause a divorce, and start pumping out babies before their former roommate finishes law school.
9. The Service Industry
In this day and age, telling someone that you’re a bartender or waiter often connotes an “oh,” response, as if that person has suddenly discovered you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal disease, and now need to be handled with extreme care.
Despite the “you spent $50K at school to pour people drinks?” mantra of the service industry, it’s actually you that has the last laugh. Strange hours means you’re still on somewhat of a collegiate lifestyle, meaning you can actually do shit during the day–AKA write that 200 page business proposal that the smirkbag marketing associate will be too mentally drained to, and actually get somewhere with it.
Plus, you get to live out your dream of being Justin Long's character from “Waiting.” Now there's a dude who really “finds himself.”