That said, here are some important lifehacks (more like general rules…lifehacks is only in the title because it seemed like something that'd make people click, and is also not entirely a lie) that'll enable you to power through the morning with as much ferocity as you partied with the night before:
I’m not sure what heaven tastes like, but I highly doubt it’s better than two slices of grease pizza from night before. Particularly just as you’re transitioning from the “fuck eating anything ever” phase to the “Pitbull featuring Neyo, Afrojack, and Nayer” stage of post-hungover stomach grumblings.
ALWAYS buy extra pizza. Your stomach will be satisfied beyond measure, and it’ll make for one of those legendary stories that you spend the rest of the day telling everyone you know. They won’t give a shit.
Get Four Hours of Sleep
Most important part by far. Science and sleep cycles named after that band who lost their religon ensures that you won’t actually be tired, and it’s a great way to avoid undesirable morning encounters with females you mistakenly bedded–four hours of sleep after a wild night out generally means you’ll wake up between the 7-9 AM range, which on a weekend in college means don’t ever date this person because they are extremely weird and might also be a criminal.
You’ll eventually crash later on or sometime the next day, but that’s something Later You has to worry about. Productive Morning You needs to get the hell out of this room that you didn’t mean to sleep in. And down the road do a double take (but not actually say anything) when you encounter this person on the street three weeks later.
Go to the Gym
We’re not talking about full body, bench, or Joe Lo Truglio’s character from “I Love You Man.” We’re talking a light jaunt. One that’s low-key, but efficient enough to sweat all that whiskey out of your system. A 20 minute sesh on one of those stationary bikes will do wonders in this situation–you’ll almost be able to feel those stockpiles of Bret Michaels juice exiting your body.
Don’t Wear Sunglasses
In this situation, wearing sunglasses is kind of like when your team is down 10 with 10 minutes to go, and you decide to sit your star player because he’s just picked up his fourth foul. Usually, this would probably be a prudent strategy. But you’re down and almost out as it is, and you need to put, to again refer to Joe Lo, EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT out there on the line. Backing down means your title hopes are shot–sure this plan may backfire miserably, but wearing sunglasses = not giving your morning any chance whatsoever.
Continue Blasting Music
You may still be drunk, but more importantly, you’ve gotta maintain euphoric consistency. One of the major parallels between partying late into the night and waking up before everyone else is that in both instances, you’ve managed to convince yourself you are immeasurably awesome. Blasting last night’s premier jam is a great way to get the ball rolling. And to establish something as “your song,” which is always huge when making personalized playlists whilst asserting your individuality on an internet music website. Again, so many people give a shit.
Don’t Go on the Computer
Great way to get an instant headache–both from the screen, and the never-ending stream of useless drivel. If your Grandpa thought video games rotted your mind, MAN did he decline in health a few years too soon.
A morning away from the internet will do wonders for your general psyche. As a terrible lifestyle collective that probably exists might say: “Refresh Your Life, Not Your Browser!”
Similar to the gym tactic, but this is really just a great employment of “productive procrastination”–will give you some extra time to dwell on your hangover, while also giving you a chance to shed some skin cells; enabling you to emerge as a new creature. One that’s more than ready to take on that one chapter of psychology reading before getting bored and hitting up BroBible.com, the Ultimate Online Destination for Bros: Bro Code, Hot Girls, Funny Stories and Videos, Frat Music, College Stories, Sports News and Videos.
Refrigerate a Cup of Water
Yes I know you have a “fuhkin brita filt-ah,” but if you speak like that, it also means you also have roommates who enable your general idiocy. Roommates who, when it comes to drinking gallons of water late at night and then refilling the filter after it’s done, can never be trusted. With the foolproof “refrigerate a cup of water” tactic, nobody will touch your shit because (a. what the fuck? and (b. it looks strangely diabolical, and your roommate may be too scared to move it for fear of explosion.
Given the state of most college refrigerators, I highly suggest you cover the top of the cup with some trusty saran wrap.
Leave the House
You don’t need me to tell you that after a night of heavy drinking, your common area and kitchen often looks as if it did not heed Walter Sobchak’s most ardent piece of advice. The kitchen will need cleaning, and the main room will have most certainly likened itself to an upper-middle class first-world version of ‘Nam.
You will also have a roommate–once referred to in this column as “The House Czar”–who will start cleaning everything at a time when he so pleases, passive-aggressively shaming you in the worst way cause you're not helping him clean while he is cleaning at the time where it is most convenient for him to clean. It’s a terrible situation all around (either you give in and sacrifice your pride, or you don’t help him, which makes you a dick AND gives him added ammo for when he inevitably explodes on you/takes you down), so the best possible strategy is to leave the house. OR, as I sometimes do, clean everything at like 7AM, ensure that I’m out of the house by the time everyone else wakes up, and fail to acknowledge that it was I who cleaned everything. Great strategy overall–not only will everybody admire and respect you for being above “getting credit” (not true), but it will also give you a free pass to not clean at a later date. Like everything in life, proper and painstakingly detailed manipulation is key.
weird-eyed water drinker via shutterstock