College
by Lance Pauker on October 24, 2012

1. Economics

The War Propaganda Poster of a Bro.

Professors will likely hate you more than “Language Trainers Hate This Guy,” due to your simultaneous ability to never show up to class and score in the top 25% on every exam. Summa Cum Investment Banking has always been the path for you, and you’re damn proud of it. 

You’ll likely spend most of your time talking about how sick your frat is, composing awesomely over-the-top emails, and absentmindedly scrolling through Facebook pics of sorostitutes. Depsite looking like an ex-Varsity Quarterback, there’s a decent chance you’re surprisingly unathletic.  

Postgraduate Path: A wife slightly out of your league, a child who gets in trouble a lot for bullying.


2. Management

Somewhere along the line, our generation decided that the best way to live life was to spend all our time being poor so that we could one day be rich–ultimately hating ourselves once we “make it,” because the sudden increase in salary likely means we sold out in some way, the very antithesis of the reason we chose to be poor in the first place.

The management major boldly mumbles, “what if I spend eight hours per day getting paid decent money to do something I may grow to tolerate, always be comfortable, and not have to pull a John Q if I need heart surgery?

Against-the-grain thinking, but it’s almost a guarantee he’ll be laughing all the way to his 2 car garage colonial, complete with 2 NFL tickets per season. He’s a diehard.

Postgraduate Path: The 9th Circle of Corporate Hell, the Dry Cleaners, Possible Ski House

3. Pre-Med

From my considerable experience in being a 22 year-old, I’ve garnered that Pre-Med at most schools is one step removed from a cult. Those who “get out” and make something of themselves in the collegiate social scene are few and far between. The postgraduate years, seem to be even worse.

Postgraduate Path: Eating Subway with other Med Students in a major undergraduate dining area, inadvertantly providing the inspiration for new hit blog called “#DoctorsEatingSubway.”

4. Political Science/Government

Suits for non-business savvy people–or those who didn’t realize they’d hate themselves in two years for not being in the b-school.

You enjoy classy functions more than anyone who has ever existed, and the obnoxious “click-clack” of a dress shoe hitting a wooden floor provides all the orgasm you need for the night. 

I really have no basis for this, but I also feel like you may end up cheating on your wife. Aspiring to be a douchier Tommy Carcetti could do that to a guy.

Postgraduate Path: Telling everyone at an overpriced dinner that you made “Law Review”

5. English

The default path to becoming a white rapper.

You probably still read Sparknotes in high school, but now sneak off to the public library when no one is looking to eat up the full-length version of “Crime and Punishment.” Only because you feel the need to reference said book when talking to the unattainable girl of your dreams who has tattoos, listens to the same underground EDM, and loosely experiments with the same drugs you loosely experiment with.

Postgraduate Path: The steps of random park in New York’s Lower East Side in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. You’re high and couldn’t be more aimless, but justify your clear “if I didn't have parents who loved me, I'd totally be homeless” actions by saying you're doing research for a novel.

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6. Engineering

The college major equivalent of the quiet kid who went through puberty late in high school, and thus didn’t initially realize how desirable he was during the early stages of college.

What he lacks in natural sauve he more than makes up in having a $70K job straight out of school, being actually useful to society, and being probably the only person on this list whose perfected the douche/degenerate balance when asked his occupation.

His modesty roars a quiet confidence that’s simultaneously approachable, but duly respected.

Postgraduate Path: Suburbs of America

7. Ambiguous Liberal Arts Major (Sociology, Classics, Philosophy)

I was this. What we lack in actionable skills and properly folded laundry, we more than make up with witty observations and a baffling sense of self-importance.

After a few years of taking a few years, most of us will probably become teachers.

Postgraduate Path: Parents Health Insurance, Twitter.

8. Computer Science

The archetype of “greaseball armed with a  pocket-protector” has been replaced by a more collegiate, post-nine-to-five, somewhat unstable quasi-genius.

Almost all of them possess outrageously large headphones, meaning that they are seriously into the sorts of music that lets you know they’re seriously into music. In the Mid 2000’s, the Comp Sci homie listened to post-punk bands like “Say Anything” and “Streetlight Manifesto.” After a religious “Chiddy Bang” phase, they now explore the depths of Spotify like no other.

I’m pretty sure many of these types are overcompensating for something, but are doing a pretty solid job covering it up.

Postgraduate Path: West Coast garages, open bars hosted by fledgling start-ups.

9. Finance

For a Finance Bro, a typical college day consists of a somewhat early class, the gym, Chipotle, five straight episodes of “Game of Thrones,” sandwiches and pitchers, four–five games of pong, possible whip-its, a visit to the bar, planting seed with a late-night text, getting the greenlight, leaving the bar, emotionless sex that you both realize will never work in the long-term, meeting back up with your buddies, and pizza and ranch.

Postgraduate Path: Taxicabs, Custom-Made Watch Stores, Being Detached because “they don’t know what it’s like” pumping out 90 hour work-weeks.

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