You'll accrue valuable skills from your college major. Not in the traditional sense, though. 

1. Economics

The War Propaganda Poster of a Bro.

Professors will likely hate you more than “Language Trainers Hate This Guy,” due to your simultaneous ability to never show up to class and score in the top 25% on every exam. Summa Cum Investment Banking has always been the path for you, and you’re damn proud of it. 

You’ll likely spend most of your time talking about how sick your frat is, composing awesomely over-the-top emails, and absentmindedly scrolling through Facebook pics of sorostitutes. Depsite looking like an ex-Varsity Quarterback, there’s a decent chance you’re surprisingly unathletic.  

Postgraduate Path: A wife slightly out of your league, a child who gets in trouble a lot for bullying.

2. Management

Somewhere along the line, our generation decided that the best way to live life was to spend all our time being poor so that we could one day be rich--ultimately hating ourselves once we “make it,” because the sudden increase in salary likely means we sold out in some way, the very antithesis of the reason we chose to be poor in the first place.

The management major boldly mumbles, “what if I spend eight hours per day getting paid decent money to do something I may grow to tolerate, always be comfortable, and not have to pull a John Q if I need heart surgery?

Against-the-grain thinking, but it’s almost a guarantee he’ll be laughing all the way to his 2 car garage colonial, complete with 2 NFL tickets per season. He’s a diehard.

Postgraduate Path: The 9th Circle of Corporate Hell, the Dry Cleaners, Possible Ski House

3. Pre-Med

From my considerable experience in being a 22 year-old, I’ve garnered that Pre-Med at most schools is one step removed from a cult. Those who “get out” and make something of themselves in the collegiate social scene are few and far between. The postgraduate years, seem to be even worse.

Postgraduate Path: Eating Subway with other Med Students in a major undergraduate dining area, inadvertantly providing the inspiration for new hit blog called “#DoctorsEatingSubway.”

4. Political Science/Government

Suits for non-business savvy people--or those who didn’t realize they’d hate themselves in two years for not being in the b-school.

You enjoy classy functions more than anyone who has ever existed, and the obnoxious “click-clack” of a dress shoe hitting a wooden floor provides all the orgasm you need for the night. 

I really have no basis for this, but I also feel like you may end up cheating on your wife. Aspiring to be a douchier Tommy Carcetti could do that to a guy.

Postgraduate Path: Telling everyone at an overpriced dinner that you made “Law Review”

5. English

The default path to becoming a white rapper.

You probably still read Sparknotes in high school, but now sneak off to the public library when no one is looking to eat up the full-length version of “Crime and Punishment.” Only because you feel the need to reference said book when talking to the unattainable girl of your dreams who has tattoos, listens to the same underground EDM, and loosely experiments with the same drugs you loosely experiment with.

Postgraduate Path: The steps of random park in New York’s Lower East Side in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. You’re high and couldn’t be more aimless, but justify your clear "if I didn't have parents who loved me, I'd totally be homeless" actions by saying you're doing research for a novel.