Remember romance? Of course you don’t. You’re a millennial. Romance for millennials is a few drunk texts and a sexy snapchat. And then there’s millennial romance in college. If you thought romance was dead in the real world, romance in college has been spit out and drowned in a puddle of puke and Pinnacle® Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka.
Now there is surely a bro among us who yearns for the good old days of romance when you could pick a Barbara up in your old man’s Lincoln and drive her to a grassy knoll that overlooks the entire suburb and proceed with some heavy petting (but not for too long because you need to have the Barbara home by curfew or the Barbara’s dad will pull down your khakis and whip your bare-ass with his belt.) Ah. Romance! Too bad you're dead.
But hey, nothing ever truly dies. Sure, things die technically, but their spirits live on, sometimes in the bodies of animals. So while romance in college might be dead, the spirit of romance lives on forever in some squirrels.
How then do you go about accessing the spirit of dead romance? How do you conjure it from its lair and breathe new life into its heart?
You can take girls out on dates! Here’s the thing, though—you’re in college now. You’re not going to be picking up the neighborhood Barbara’s in your old man’s Lincoln and driving them off to knolls. Also, since it’s 2013, your old man probably drives a Prius, and picking a girl up for a date in a Prius is essentially picking a girl up for a date in a giant vagina.
In any event, the good news is that college doesn't mean the suspension of dates. In fact, I believe you’ll find courtship in college to be fun, productive, and (dare I say) romantic.
To my brothers in arms, here are “9 Classic College Date Ideas”:
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Amélie?”
This is a movie about a quirky girl in Paris. Girls love quirky. Girls love Paris. Boom.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Garden State?”
Killer soundtrack on this one. You’re so money.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch The Social Network?”
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Precious?”
It’s based on the novel Push by Sapphire!
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Harry Potter and the Goblin of Fire?
Spoiler alert: Harry is a boy-wizard.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Mr. Boover’s Little Boats?”
Not a real movie.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch Gotta Love All These Puppies?”
Also not real.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and watch one of the movies?”
Like any of them.
“Want to come over to my dorm room and have sex?”
This one kills the mystery if you ask me.
Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. You can follow him on twitter @Isaachimmelman. An archive of his articles is available here.
[Attractive young couple image via Shutterstock]