College
by Lance Pauker on March 21, 2013

The Girl From 4E

Everyone’s dream hipster girl–the one’s Bros tell their friends about with a strange intrigue, as if she were a mixture of seven different exotic ethnicities. She may have an over-the-top unspecified political agenda and enjoy #buzzbands a bit too much, but she’ll have enough kind self-awareness not to rub that all in your face.

More of an ideal projection than an actual person, but every campus has one. You’ll fall madly in love with her, until you realize that her worship of Ayn Rand is far from in act. In fact, it's quite the opposite. And it's a little bit too frightening. 

Trust-Fund Alt

He buys a lot of drugs and believes in a lot of conspiracy theories. In the not so distant future, he will embark on a career as a conspiracy-theory documentary filmmaker.

More importantly, at least one of his films will thoroughly attack the super-business of his father. Over the course of his lifetime, he’ll spend about 50x more money than he actually makes. A winner through and through.  

The Unexpected Diehard Sports Fan

Scrawny, a high-pitched voice, and subscribes to email newsletters that end with the word “fashionista.” Yet not only has he never missed a game, but he could give you a throughout breakdown on everything from the stats to watch, to next-game projections, to why the team's strength coach just really needs to go. 

If there was ever any doubt, this team is a hockey team. 

The Reddit Junkie

I’m sure there’s some sort of img.ur or video that explains the daily rituals of a devout redditor, but I think it goes something like this–a computer, a body, and semen/feces stained bedsheets. They also say the world “IRL” a lot, but have never once watched the Indycar Racing League.

Prunge Band Trio

I say Prunge, as these wannabe Johnny-from-the-Breakfast-Club types are a strange manifestation of what happens when you attempt to simultaneously channel both Nirvana and Sum 41. They enjoy sitting on street corners that people aren’t really supposed to sit on, salvia, and lamenting about nostalgic things that everyone else either forgot about or disliked (i.e., instead of Rocket Power, they’ll go for the Cartoon Network gem “Two Stupid Dogs.” And they’ll know everything about it) 

Ms. Sustainable

Considering hipster species general disdain for things like being able to afford stuff and decent-tasting alcohol, Ms. Sustainable has channeled this general cultural mantra into an entire career path. Her dream is to design cities, open up drink shops, and open a bakery chain in which the dessert stuff she serves is somehow good for you.

Most of all though, she lives and dies by the hipster buzzword bible. Which also includes words like “ugh,”  ”mason jar,” and “Beasts of the Southern Wild.” 

Hats and Sneaks

He wears beanies when it’s warm out, and devotes the majority of his time ensuring that anyone that talks to him about sneakers exits the conversation feeling exponentially worse about themselves and/or thoroughly contaminated. If you’ve ever read some of the more obscure sections of Complex Magazine and have found yourself wondering where the hell they come up with some of that shit…yep.

*Note: Sneaks can be easily subbed in for Boots

Coffee Shop Motormouth

This is the one who has opinions. The one who manages to turn your innocent coffee order into a thoroughly uncomfortable experience. Forced smile, you can’t ball in her court. But she can’t ball anywhere other than behind that counter, so just take solace in that.

 

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hipster pic via shutterstock