With the first semester coming to an end, you now have an idea of what type of person your roommate is: He could be funny or depressing, loud and obnoxious or quiet and a tool. He might be a Bro or a complete douche bag but neither means that he will admit to doing the shit he did when you were at class or when you were visiting one of your friends at another school.
Just remember the semester isn’t over yet…
Borrowing Your Clothes
The line has not been crossed when your roommate asks to borrow a shirt every once in a while because his shirts are either covered in puke, semen or if he got lucky, both. When you’re not there why would he send you a text message asking to borrow a sweat shirt because he didn’t think the summer would end? Borrowing your clothes has now turned into a daily routine and will not stop even if you find out and tell him not to. It will also turn into him borrowing more things that he can wear (because everything you wear is better than his). Hats, belts, shoes, sunglasses and many more of your shit is all of the sudden on his go-to borrowing list. If you find out that he’s been borrowing your underwear…move out of your room immediately.
Drinking Your Alcohol
What was yours is now ours so thanks for the free beer bitches! Is the general rule when it comes to alcohol being left in your mini fridge, which is also directed to your friends and not your roommate, who left the pre-game beer in your fridge before you went to the bar last weekend. These are the kinds of things that were quickly learned after the first weekend of freshman year. It’s a different story if you are the one that bought the beer and he “accidentally” drank it when you weren’t there. One, two or even three beers are fine with me but a noticeable amount of your beer or liquor gone is not ok.
Clogging Your Toilet
Self explanatory and will give your landlord more reason to hate you. If you’re still living in the dorms only ask your RA for help if it’s a guy. You don’t want any girls entering this atomic atmosphere you once called your bathroom. If one of your housemates decided to take a shit in your bathroom and ended up clogging it, go to their bathroom and do one of these three things: Perform an Upper Decker, shave your pubes in and around their toilet preferably with the seat down or next time they’re taking a shit in their bathroom spray them with a fire extinguisher (this has been done).
Having Sex On Your Bed
I once heard that college dorm room beds are purposely made with extra springs so they don’t break during sex, which is pretty awesome. I also once heard that several of my roommates have porked multiple girls on my bed freshman, sophomore and junior year; one of which premature ejaculating on my comforter, which I didn’t hear directly from him. I thought this was college; these things are going to happen especially if you sleep on the bottom bunk. Was I mad? To be honest, not really, because I found out before I slept in my bed and made him wash my sheets and buy me taco bell. Plus, even though it was a few years ago, in a way I’m still blowing up his spot by telling everyone that he premature ejaculated in the first place. There’s always a good chance you will hear about some sort of sexual activity taking place on your bed but your roommate will never admit to it. You will almost always hear about it from someone else.
Stealing Your Condoms
Thank God for the economy pack of condoms you decided to buy at the beginning of the semester from Costco. This is an easy steal for your roommate: A STEAL (not something he borrows) because no one uses a condom and plans on returning it to the rightful owner. An EASY steal because condoms are small and usually come in bigger packs which are essential when you’re in college, so your roommate will never think you noticed every time he stole one of your rubbers.
Using Your Laptop to Beat His Meat
Unfortunately this is something that most college roommates will experience but something that will never be talked about, until now. Using your laptop to jerk off is probably his last resort but something he will do for two reasons: One, his laptop is slow and/or broken so logging onto PornHub (or any other free porn site) is frustrating and pretty much impossible for him. Two, he found out that you have the login and password for Brazzers (or any other high quality porn site) saved to your computer, which any guy can easily overwhelmed by watching that kind of awesomeness, and after watching it he will be forced to use your laptop to overcome his sexual frustrations .
Getting Your Sloppy Seconds
Some roommates will think that this is a terrible disgusting thing to do while others will think it’s another part of college-life domination just as long as it wasn’t done within the same night. The second part to that sentence would describe the kind of roommate that’s funny, loud and obnoxious -- most likely a Bro who will admit to receiving your sloppy seconds because it makes for a better story. If your roommate is the ‘other’ kind of person he will never admit to getting your sloppy seconds. Rather he will be very disappointed with himself and get reminded that he sucked face with that sorority slut after you conquered her, every time he looks at you.
Owning Up To Your Room Stank
An estimated 99.9 million male college roommates suffer from the infamous room stank. In no way is this smell coming from you or anything that belongs to you because I’m assuming if you’re on this website and chose to read this article you’re not ‘that’ roommate I’ve been talking about. You know your room smells, he knows your room smells but he will never admit that he is the reason why your room smells. This is something you might have to live with until you get another roommate and know that if your room smells too good; something weird is going down in there when you’re not there.
Poking Your Mom on Facebook
Hooking Up With Your Little Sister (when she comes to visit you)
Jerking Off In Your Shower