College
by Jake Cohen on April 21, 2014

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The first few years of college really can be just a huge drunken blur. College has not truly kicked it just yet and you took full advantage of it. So much so that you might look back in time at your first few years and remember more of the nights you never wanted to remember again over any education you’ve gained. You know, Education? That reason your parents sent you to school in the first place– at least they thought.

You might have sat in on a good ole family dinner and got haggled with questions such as “How are you liking your classes?” and “So what exactly does (insert random major of choice here) entail?” It was at these moments in time you really wish you did not take full advantage of “laptop classes.” It is time to take a look back at what you really learned your first two years of college.

Quantity and more Quantity over Quality

College is all about budgeting. So, with this thought in mind it did not take you very long to realize the more plastic it tasted the odds only increased you would buy it. The way you started to see it was simple. If it was under a 30 rack, it was not worth your time. That six pack of nice beer just screamed only Thursday I would get tipsy, while the bang for your buck factor of getting a whopping 24 more beers for just ten more bucks blew (and would eventually blackout) your mind.

Development of the Go-To

This one is all for the memories, or lack there of. There is nothing like current day you strolling down the liquor isle just to her sitting there on the shelf. She was the Go-To. Just the shittiest kind of alcohol that your freshman self immediately felt attached to. You never knew what it was. The taste surely was not there, but the price was. Every run made to the store though by someone older, after awhile it was like they had your order on speed dial. You have tried to find something since college that has been able to get you on that level of drunk at that price but the search keeps leading you back to her. She brought you the best of times your first few years, but as you aged it just became nearly socially unacceptable to walk into a party with what other people viewed as liquid crap.

Sick Filter Bro

The popularity of social media has directly correlated to the sinking popularity of yourself around your high school friends. Here is a list of all the people you now refuse to be friends with due to social media:

Mr. Whipped: We had a long run, but frankly, I no longer care about how in love you are with your girlfriend. The photographer- I think you know who this one is. If not, go check Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram because I am sure he/she just posted yet another picture of the sky, ocean, or food.

Juicy J: Oh you for sure have this superstar lurking around your former high school friends group. He/she is the one that has to post ingenious statuses about how high he is. He/she just must let the world visually see exactly what drug they are doing and when on instagram. Yet, we all appreciate the common courtesy you have for that filter.

Fitness extraordinaire: We all get you lost weight after high school, and commend you for doing so. Although your persistence for the world to know your fitness has made people want to burn your gym down. If you really even go…

Real life is going to suck

For this let us really analyze the classic idea that after high school you have to deal with the “real world.” Now how often do you recall your parents biggest worry being not able to do that huge business report for work, simply because they have been too hungover/lazy to even show up in weeks? College can amp up and be very stressful at times, but it is no where near what real life is and luckily you had a few years awaiting that anyways.

Go to Class

This one goes out to you, guy complaining about how screwed you are for a midterm– although showing up to one class. Yeah, how cool did that make you?

Get Involved

By the end of your sophomore year you probably realized one major flaw in the college philosophy. The idea that the best way to meet people was at parties. Well, it is not.

You miss being a freshman

By the end of your halfway point of college you really just came to miss that innocence. That feeling where every time you mess up you could just brush it off with a: “Well, I am only a freshman.” When you are a freshman in college you are treated like the more favored sibling. Whenever you did something wrong everyone just let you off easy, because after all you did not know any better. You were just let off the leash of your parents and clearly in need of direction, right?

No One Cares

The drunk texts
The random hook ups
The flunked exam
The freshman 15
The time where the Go-To lead you going to yackcity
The high school accomplishments

All of these seem like pretty common issues that at the end of the day you got over in about a week. As discussed, college is not like real life. So when you come to this realization that no one really cares about your petty college problems that’s when you became an individual in college. That is when you realized that complaining was no longer going to get you anywhere in college but you had to take action. That is when you became an upperclassman.

 

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Jake Cohen

About Jake Cohen...

Just your typical complaining student who happens to love college and music.