College
by Lance Pauker on December 8, 2013

1. Make an Exhaustive Playlist

Is there really any point of doing a crazy-long and involved philosophy reading without first compiling a 60 minute eargasm that effectively prevents you from actually absorbing anything on the page? Of course not. Everything is pointless in philosophy. A-plus. 

It’s like your famous pregame ritual, except that unlike other people who have famous pregame rituals, you’ll never make it onto one of those Kenny Mayne fake investigative stories.

2. Celebrate with Those Already “Done”

How awesome is it when the roommate nobody likes storms into the apartment, throws his backpack and strikes up the whoop parade in trademark tryhard fashion? Not that awesome. But what IS awesome, is piggybacking off all the liquor he bought.

“One drink” is somewhat of a death sentence for that A-minus you were gunning for, but your sanity will thank you later. Besides, nobody is not hiring you because you got a B-Plus in “Urbanization in America Since 1865.” So get off your high horse of thinking that those two hours tomorrow is a life-or-death matter. 

3. Send Long Emails to Exes

Why write 5,000 words about how Roland Barthes’ “Mythologies” explains the Call Me Maybe craze when you can just write 5,000 words talking about how you don’t regret any of the time you guys spent together, and that you wish you weren’t such a dick towards the end?

4. Spend Entire Night Following Procrastination-Savvy Social Media Account

We seek viral fame like we seek cotton candy–it’s really awesome at first, then it gets a bit old, then we discard it and completely forget about that thing we were all once obsessed with. But it’s there. It’s tempting. And someone at your school will jump on it.

When I was at school, there was/is a Twitter account called @OHGeorgetown, which I like to imagine is run by a girl who spends most of her time wondering “whhyyy she can’t find a decent guy???” and channels her frustration into this rather funny twitter account, which is basically documented proof that every single person in college, male or female, is actually a giant tool.

During finals, shit like this (as well as the various “whatshouldwecallme” school-based tumblrs) will be in full-force. It’s the collective psyche of the school procrastinating, and you could almost guarantee that the person behind it may be one of those people you pretend not to know at a crowded party.

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5. Tour De Study Break

If you have anywhere from 3-8 friends (this includes your ladyfriend du mois), at least three of them will want you to go get Chipotle with them. These meetings are often planned a few hours in advance, meaning that if you’re smart, you’ll stagger the timings so that you get not one study break, but an entire night’s worth.

If you really want to make it count, be sure to bring up that bet from a few months ago that your Bro still hasn’t made good on–he’s comfortably put it behind him, thus creating an environment where you bringing it up is awkward and does something strange to your friendship on a much deeper level, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. (If I were a hashtag rapper, this sentence would be replaced with the words “Tommy Pickles”)

6. Discover Viral Video Sensations

Now’s a great time as any to find a bunch of highly inspiring and entertaining YouTubers, and no longer do anything for the rest of eternity. Discovering Dom Mazzetti during finals a few years back was “the death of me.” I put that in quotes because I unlike other people who say this, I don’t go to Frozen Yogurt stores, get 7-9 toppings, and then spend the next few hours wondering why it cost $9.

For this finals season, here are some solid offerings:

7. Have a Highly-Contrived Epiphany About Your Life

Even if you’re the chayest of the chay-der nation and claim that it’s all good, you are lying. First of all, the packaged sushi they sell at your student-run convenience store is certainly not all good. But probably more importantly, you’re tired, you do sort of care about your future, or you have to make up for screwing around earlier in the semester. The sheer fact that you’re saying “it’s all good” means that “it” is on your mind, meaning that “it” is all-consuming. I lost the game.

While held captive in this philosophical moratorium, you may attempt relieve stress via discovering what exactly it is that you were meant to do with the rest of your life. Except that this feeling is strangely reminiscent to the one you had last Saturday, when you had that conversation with your roommates about that business you all were going to make millions off of. Cue the blackout.

8. Smoke Cigarettes Outside the Library at 4am

They’re like the college equivalent of James Franco, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen from “Freaks and Geeks,” except that one is the heir to a middle-eastern oil empire, another is a kid from Westchester, and one is a higlhy unstable hipster who will likely spend the next ten years in a ditch, then rehab, then on various awards ceremony podiums being hailed the next Darren Aronofsky.

Now’s a great time as any to learn from the three wise men.

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