If you're truly a beacon of productivity, you'll spend this time focusing on real accomplishments.
1. Make an Exhaustive Playlist
Is there really any point of doing a crazy-long and involved philosophy reading without first compiling a 60 minute eargasm that effectively prevents you from actually absorbing anything on the page? Of course not. Everything is pointless in philosophy. A-plus.
It’s like your famous pregame ritual, except that unlike other people who have famous pregame rituals, you’ll never make it onto one of those Kenny Mayne fake investigative stories.
2. Celebrate with Those Already “Done”
How awesome is it when the roommate nobody likes storms into the apartment, throws his backpack and strikes up the whoop parade in trademark tryhard fashion? Not that awesome. But what IS awesome, is piggybacking off all the liquor he bought.
“One drink” is somewhat of a death sentence for that A-minus you were gunning for, but your sanity will thank you later. Besides, nobody is not hiring you because you got a B-Plus in “Urbanization in America Since 1865.” So get off your high horse of thinking that those two hours tomorrow is a life-or-death matter.
3. Send Long Emails to Exes
Why write 5,000 words about how Roland Barthes’ “Mythologies” explains the Call Me Maybe craze when you can just write 5,000 words talking about how you don’t regret any of the time you guys spent together, and that you wish you weren’t such a dick towards the end?
4. Spend Entire Night Following Procrastination-Savvy Social Media Account
We seek viral fame like we seek cotton candy--it’s really awesome at first, then it gets a bit old, then we discard it and completely forget about that thing we were all once obsessed with. But it’s there. It’s tempting. And someone at your school will jump on it.
When I was at school, there was/is a Twitter account called @OHGeorgetown, which I like to imagine is run by a girl who spends most of her time wondering “whhyyy she can’t find a decent guy???” and channels her frustration into this rather funny twitter account, which is basically documented proof that every single person in college, male or female, is actually a giant tool.
During finals, shit like this (as well as the various “whatshouldwecallme” school-based tumblrs) will be in full-force. It’s the collective psyche of the school procrastinating, and you could almost guarantee that the person behind it may be one of those people you pretend not to know at a crowded party.