College
by Walt on July 5, 2013

Recently, we taught you how to make bank and keep your mouth shut at your fancy summer internship. Today, I’m reaching out to the less ambitious among you – the ones who would rather go slum it in Mom and Dad’s basement until the start of next semester. First of all, I’d like to say congratulations; you’re making a good choice. While you may be handicapping your future (at least relative to your city-bound amigos who will be fingerbanging an Excel worksheet till September), look at the bright sides: free rent, former friends-with-bennies on speed dial and a complete and utter lack of real responsibility for perhaps the last time in your life.

As you’re reading this, you are likely either A) stuck in your couch impression wondering if the residual stench of one more bowl will diffuse before your parents get home or B) weighing the merits of rubbing another genie out of the old flesh-lamp versus finishing this article. And that’s the great thing about going home for the summer: your problems will probably not get any more serious than the above dilemmas. But those dimebags and thirty-racks aren’t gonna pay for themselves. So unless you recently walked in on Mom straddling her tennis instructor’s face, it’s probably time for you to get a job.

So what’ll it be? Obviously you want a gig that’s going to minimize effort while maximizing profits, face-time with strange girls, and opportunities to drink on the job. With those criteria in mind, we’ve compiled a list of eight summer jobs that don’t suck. Get your applications in ASAP, lest you end up painting your parents’ house for the fifth year running.

Lifeguard

This should be a no-brainer for those of you who already have first-aid credentials to your name and a beach nearby. Nursing a hangover from a beach chair while watching bikini-clad eye candy strut by for eight hours is something most bros will pay large sums of money to do in the coming months. What’s that you say? There are actually people willing to pay an hourly wage to have you do exactly that? Not to mention the props you’ll receive after successfully performing mouth-to-mouth on your buddy’s little sister who almost drowned.

Caddy

Mad tips from senile and visibly inebriated retirees? Check. Free golf at twilight hours? Check. Silly white jumpsuit and attendant grundle sweat? Alright, so you can’t win ‘em all. Working on the golf course comes with perks you won’t find elsewhere. Namely, a good excuse to get drunk, make wagers and play bumper cars every afternoon. Maintenance staff and outside services have to show up at the asscrack of dawn. Caddies don’t. Although you will have to refrain from blazing in the woods adjacent the 16 green — unless the dude whose bag you’re humping insists.

Camp Counselor

The big catch here is being able to tolerate a summer’s worth of the hormonal, back-talking shitstains known as wealthy American youths. Should you deem yourself capable of negotiating that little caveat, this could be the job for you. For one, it’s easy. You basically just do the same shit you did all summer at the same age, except now you’re legally responsible if someone rubs poison ivy on his nuts or hits his head on the diving board or contracts herpes after sneaking out of the cabin you were supposed to be chaperoning. The real appeal, though, is the promise of indulging the camp-counselor-on-camp-counselor romance fantasy you’ve always had. Of course, there’s also the camp-counselor-on-camper romance fantasy, but you might not get invited back next year if you go that route.

Dogwalker

This is a great option for the urbanites among you. Most decently populated metropolitan areas host a slew of dogwalking services, and as long as you’re not allergic to bagging dogsi*t once every five minutes, the benefits are numerous. Obviously the potentiality of scoring some digits tops the list. There is no myth whatsoever to the whole dogs-attract-chicks rumor. It’s fucking science. Beautiful women will approach you, pet your four-legged friend and address you both in infantile gibberish. Play your cards right and it’s not the only thing she’ll be petting.

Rafting/Sailing/Mountain Climbing/Scuba Diving Guide

Those among you who can’t fathom going home and facing the high school sweetheart who recently took a steaming dump on your feeble heart should consider relocating for the summer to embrace your inner Bear Grylls with one of these vocations. Yes, the above gigs require some prior knowledge/skill or a training program you’ll need to drop a couple bills on. They also represent some of the best summer jobs around, as they pay well while concurrently increasing the size of your testicles.

Youth Sports Coach

Something tells me background checks are slightly more thorough for these positions than they were this time a year ago, in which case that regrettable incident involving urination and the Dean’s garden gnomes might come back to haunt you. Otherwise, what could possibly beat pummeling 12-year-olds at your favorite sport all summer? I’ll tell you: pummeling 12-year-olds at your favorite sport AND THEN making them run suicides for the last half-hour of practice. That’s called paying it forward.

Weddings

If you live in a summer vacation “destination,” chances are high that a number of event planning/catering services will be looking to amplify their team with some temp workers to accommodate all the weddings they’ll be hosting. The best summer job I held down in college (and they were numerous) has got to be the year I catered weddings. The pay was handsome, the hours allowed me to sleep off my hangovers, and my buddies and I basically crashed weddings on the clock for four months. Sneaking pulls of whiskey while manning the bar was more or less mandatory, as was sweet-talking the somewhat-upright bridesmaids who would inevitably strike up conversation after a shot or ten. Plus I got to wear a bowtie.

On-Campus Jobs

My parents love me and I loved having access to my car, my old haunts, and high school girls, so I never went this route. But my friends who did the summer-school-without-the-school thing swear it to represent the best period of time they ever spent on campus. Their work consisted of such arduous tasks as signing for packages or manning the front desk of some ghost-town residence hall, they were awarded subsidized housing, and they partied every single night with the rest of the summer-on-campus crew, which apparently becomes a pretty tight-knit group after a few weeks of drunken-hook-up-roulette.

What did I miss? Share your most memorable summer jobs in the comments section below.