There is no reason for your evenings to revolve around this place. But they do.
1. Revisiting of 5th Grade Soccer Team Antics
Remember that time when you were sitting at some dumb awards dinner, your coach going off on how he’s real proud of the team and the camaraderie? Meanwhile you and the rest of your warmup-pants wearing jokers (complete with vintage 1999 frosted tips) are going OFF on his iced tea?
First, it’s the harmless stuff (a shitload of salt, some choice pepper), then it’s the sugar, then it's burger chunks, then it’s hot sauce, and finally, the snot-frosting. Everyone egging on the ring-leader, despite being incredibly uncomfortable at the same time. Pre-pubescent shrieks of laughter have never been so evil.
Sometime during your freshman year, this game will resurface. Nobody wants it to happen. But it does. And it’s just awful.
2. "Stuck" Meals
This thankfully becomes less of a thing as you get more adjusted. But ever eat with a friend, who brings with him another friend, who brings with him another friend? And all of a sudden you’ve got this caboose of people you’re stuck eating with? Talking about some stupid foreign policy class as if that's actually a conversation topic to assert your superiority over the people who have nothing to contribute?
Shit’s the worst. But sometimes, it's the only alternative to Glansberging.
3. Compromisation of Your Awesomely Thought-Out First Impressions
Say there’s a hot girl that you’ve eyed through auxiliary means (these usually consist of Facebook, a class, or Facebook), and you’ve been hoping to catch her attention in a meaningful way. Maybe you’ve seen her at your frat parties, and were planning on catching her attention by making sure she doesn’t have to wait on the keg line--you know, the sort of thing that she’ll excitedly claim (and repeat ad naseum) “totally saved her life.”
But say you’re on line for the wrap station, you’re in a shitty mood because who the fuck gets C minuses, and this girl pops up behind you. Girlies in tow. You have no in here, other than to stand there like a fool while they’re wooo girlin’ it up. Just a miserable experience and then some--because if you get stuck in that situation long enough, she’ll forever register you as the awkward kid on the wrap line.
That is, of course, until you “totally save her life” by having a lighter in your pocket.
4. The Law of Diminishing Pizza Returns
I like pizza. Everyone likes pizza. And at many a dining hall, pizza is the only “safe” option that doesn’t require waiting on a line for 15 minutes---which is terrible not because you’ve gotta wait on a line for fifteen minutes, but because of the elaborate alcohol-acquiring plan you’ll be forced to overhear from the two dweebs standing behind you.
With the obscene amount of pizza consumed on a nightly basis, the Lord's heavenly creation will slowly become less appetizing. Eventually, you won’t even be able to look look at your former beloved. It’s the tragedy of too much of a good thing, but the college dining hall experience makes it dangerously easy to overdose in a freakishly short amount of time.
Dining Hall pic via ShutterShock