College
by Lance Pauker on August 14, 2013

With that in mind, here are some examples of the strange hours your may maintain over the course of your four years:

1. The Raymond Tusk

Clocked At: Ridiculously early (4am-7am rise)

Key Interests: “Getting a full-day in”, me-time, condescendingly large quantities of exercise and sobriety.

Raymond Tusk is a Senator in House of Cards, and is really quite good at being an insufferable Caucasian. The pretension built-in (via @NetflixSenator), Tusk's super-important international business dealings force him to keep hours that are so odd, he’s got no choice but to base most of his conversations around the fact that his hours are extremely odd.

A collegiate Raymond Tusk wakes up early purely due to overestimated ambition. This can include (but is not limited to) still being on the crew team, reading way too far into Malcolm Gladwell books, or being a career-focused dude with an increasingly useless significant other.

Relative to the collegiate landscape, championing #TuskLife is a great way to become a outlier. This of course, doesn't necessarily matter – true Raymond Tusks do not possess an ounce of FOMO.

2. The Jason Bateman

Clocked At: Normal human time. (8-9 am rise, 12-1am sleep)

Key Interests: Adhering to societal norms, buying things that appeal to their demographic, being clean-shaven, hiding the nervous breakdown they're always on the brink of having.

The consummate straight man approaches college like he will the rest of his days. It’s an institution with established rules, guidelines, and norms. Norms that are to be followed, because taking risks is immature and out of character.

Of course, the collegiate Bateman is always one tequila shot away from realizing that out of all the people on this list, it is he who's the most out of whack.

3. The Daily Colbert

Clocked At: Whenever Reruns of the Colbert Report end

Key Interests: Compulsively checking for likes on his Facebook statuses, quotes like “don’t let school get in the way of your education,” late-night hot pockets.

This human enjoys nothing more than sitting in the common room late at night, offsetting his lack of consistent hookup (and the despair that comes with a crescendoed asexuality) with semi-heated debates about the state of our fine nation. This year, he’ll probably go off on that show Drunk History. 

As per most people who lose themselves in sub-reddits for hours at a time, no one is good enough friends with him to drop the truth bomb he needs to hear – that, while he's incredibly smart, he’s clearly wasting his potential.

4. Aaron Arkaway

Clocked At: Naptime, all the Time

Key Interests: 50% class attendance rates, “earning” mental health days, strong interest and knowledge of hallucinogens

Aaron Arkaway is the narcoleptic man-friend of Janice Soprano, best known for blithely informing Tony and the gang “He Has Risen” over Thanksgiving. This man, like your roommate who lives in the basement, exhibits a constant lethargy that could only be found in someone who does absolutely nothing all day.

Whereas a collegiate tour guide will famously tell you “grades, sleep, social life – pick two,” Mr. Arkaway proves that you could also just double-down on one. Life is a couch. Might as well relax for a few minutes. 

5. Cosmo Kramer

Clocked At: Never/New weird ways to beat the system

Key Interests: Lifehacks, deals on the internet, unnecessarily elaborate diets and workout regimes

If Kramer was one of your college roommate, no doubt he’d try and sell you on the Uberman Sleep Cycle. And at some point, everyone lives with a Kramer. 


6. The All Night Rockstarr/The Rob Dyrdek

Clocked At: Nocturnal

Key Interests: Internet fail compilations, leftover burritos, energy drink brand loyalty

Pulling all-nighters is part of college. Most people get that, and will experience a handful over the course of their career. But some people don’t get that, and decide that unless they’re sending unimportant, music-blog related emails 5:51 am, they’re doing it all wrong.

These people also enjoy eating incredibly unhealthily (yet remaining in good shape), talking about “epic trips,” and watching Netflix documentaries that are alarmingly anti-establishment. 


7. Sleepy Carl

Clocked At: Awake, but much later than intended

Key Interests: Scrappy, unorthodox success, inventively digging themselves out of holes.

The bit explains it all, but this is most of us in college. It just depends how manipulative of a friend that Sleepy Carl is. Skiing on French Toast sticks is never a bad call. Neither is missing class and eating French Toast Sticks.

 

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Sleeping Bro via Shutterstock