College
by David Covucci on August 19, 2013

Senior year should be a time to do whatever the fuck you want. Mine was great. I loved every second. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t make any mistakes. Not anything I regret, just thoughts about how I would handled it differently if I already knew the answers. That won’t happen to you, though. Because you have this advice.

Get rid of your girlfriend: I get you love her. But are you unflinchingly convinced you want to start a family with her ten years down the road? Wavering a bit on that? Dump her. It won’t last. And it’s so much easier to do it now before the conflicting, confusion pressure of graduation hits. Which starts around December. That’s right. In three months, she’s going to begin to ask about the future. Then the last six months of college become some amorphous state wherein she’s always slight pissed because you haven’t committed through 2046. It will cut into sex. If you don’t have a girlfriend, don’t get one. You’ll notice everyone paring up. That tends to happen senior year. Avoid the urge. Because once it hits, there will be a dearth of single men at your school. All of a sudden, you are a sexual commodity.

Get to know a bartender: You will go to lots of bars this year. I bet you already have a favorite. McMurphy’s or some shit. Go there when it’s slow. A Monday or a Wednesday or real early on a Friday. Get some drinks from a bartender you recognize who always works the weekend. Order a couple of beers. Then tip like you won the lottery. I’m talking a minimum of 100%. Insane, it may seem. But that’s 12 extra dollars on those three Coors Lights. Two days later, do the exact same thing. Say “Thank you.” Then, next packed Saturday, watch as even though you’re behind 37 people already waiting for drinks, your bartender will ignore that mess and serve you. Consider it an investment in never waiting again.

Get your work done early: Lame sauce, but I guarantee you’ll feel better if all your homework is finished. Going out Saturday sometimes sucks when you have a paper Sunday. So instead of pregaming Friday in front of the TV, have your first few beers while doing some work. I get that it sounds stupid. Until you realize no one ever does anything fun from 6:00 – 9:00 p.m. Friday and on Sunday night you are now free to smoke pot.

Stop dressing up: Oooh, your mother got you a new Polocrombie from Fitch rugby shirt? The same one every other guy is wearing? smh. The times I got the most attention from girls was when I went to bars in coffee-stained sweatpants and shitty tee-shirts. Why? Because it makes you stand out. Plus you look like you don’t care. Which is alluring to college girls for some reason.

Learn to make a great mixed drink: What’s in your liquor cabinet (read: above the fridge) right now? Burnett’s gin and half a thing of Montezuma tequila. So when girls come over, you can offer either a gin and tonic or a shot? Learn to make a mojito or a fresh daiquiri or a Moscow Mule. Keep those ingredients stashed away in your mini-fridge. Practice making it. Then, when you have a group of ladies over, you become the gentleman serving fancy cocktails. Bitches love fancy cocktails.

Stop caring about fucking: Casual sex does not end after college. In fact, it gets better. Trust me. This is not your last opportunity to do it in depraved ways. So instead of stumbling around bars begging for blowjobs, go have some fun with your friends. And paradoxically, once you stop trying, you’ll do better. Plus, no one is having as much sex as they say. Except me.

Don’t #FOMO your way through the year: If you only take one lesson, be sure it is this. Everything may seem like your last chance to do that or only opportunity to try this. But when you think about all these activities, they’re just different ways of getting shitfaced. It’s not that big a deal. In five years you won’t regret skipping an event to stay in. Or spending a Sunday hiking instead of having a Funday. The worries you have now will seem miniscule soon. It’s just one part of life. It will be awesome no matter what. So don’t worry. Do whatever you want. 

But seriously, get to know a bartender. It will change your life.

Follow D.C. on Twitter.